What a Crockery Transcript (Dialogue Only)

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What a Crockery

This is a transcript of the dialogue of the episode What a Crockery, as aired, transcribed by Bryn.


Narrator: Previously on 'Young Hercules'.

Ares: If you were any good at being bad, you'd dare what no god has dared before. Destroy a mortal son of Zeus.

Strife: You mean Hercules.

Nysus Gaius: My uncle's the reason why I'm here. He used to tell me about this place, in a cave, up on the mountain. They got a chalice there, made by Zeus himself. Wedding present for Hera. But they say he wants it back, now that they don't see much of each other.

Hercules: Looks like water.

Jason: I think we should get outta here.

Hercules: Why did you send me to the Phoenix Cave to get the chalice?

Hercules: I'm sorry about getting you guys in to all this mess.

Iolaus: What mess?

Jason: So what're you gonna do with Hera's chalice?

Hercules: I'm taking it to my Dad.

Narrator: Now, on 'Young Hercules'.

Hera: What?!

Ares: Mother, I thought you knew. I... really had no idea you cared so much about the chalice.

Hera: I want the perpetrator!

Ares: Dead? No can do. It was Hercules... and you know how Zeus feels about little bro. Daddy's put his protection on him, preventing us gods from killing him.

Hera: Hercules?

Ares: What? Am I missing something here?

Hera: Zeus made a promise to me when he made us that chalice. Anyone who takes it from its rightful place... is condemned to death.

Ares: Then by Zeus' own words, his protection of Hercules is off. Well, well, well. Finally, little brother is on his own, and he is all mine. Thank you, Mother. Thank you for the chance to destroy Hercules.

Act One

Ares: Strife! If you're gonna make it to Olympian status, you're gonna have to stop letting half-gods kick you around.

Strife: Chill, Unc, I was just getting warmed up.

Ares: I saw what you were warming up.

Strife: Yeah. Is she phat, or what?

Ares: Fat? What, are you kidding me?

Strife: No, Uncle, not 'fat'. 'Phat'. She's a real Persephone, you know? Fly. Dope. Def... Groovy? Anyway, I was just-

Ares: Did I give you any indication that I care about your life?

Strife: No.

Ares: Then don't share it, please. Question! Where is my mother's chalice?

Strife: Hercules has it?

Ares: And what is Hercules doing with it?

Strife: Accessorizing his personal space?

Ares: He's taking it to Zeus's temple!

Strife: That's not good.

Ares: We need to get some pain and suffering and misery out of that chalice.

Strife: Ooh! Twist my arm, Unc.

Ares: It can not reach the safety of Zeus's temple, or be put back in Hera's cave. Tell me, Strife... have you ever seen Hera angry? I mean... when laying waste to an entire city wouldn't begin to satisfy her fury?

Strife: Yeah... only in my dreams, Unc.

Ares: She starts to glow... as if there was a cold fire burning inside her.

Strife: Yeah?

Ares: The winds rise. The Earth trembles. Animals run in fear.

Strife: Ooh. Yeah?

Ares: And no force in existence, not even almighty Zeus, dare cross her path!

Strife: Ohhhhh... yes, yes.

Ares: Well, Strife... there is a truly... sublime level of suffering waiting for whoever has the chalice when my mother finds it.

Strife: Well, I have some nasty ideas, Unc.

Ares: Strife?

Strife: Yes, Uncle?

Ares: Try to be subtle.


Jason: So, what're you gonna say to Zeus when you meet him?

Iolaus: Yeah. 'Thrown any good thunderbolts, lately?'

Jason: 'Nice robe. Who's your tailor?'

Hercules: I don't know. I mean... what do you talk to dads about?

Jason: Ask him how his day was? See if you can borrow the reins to the chariot.

Iolaus: Yeah... why he's never been there for you.

Jason: Hey, Hercules. Why don't you tell him how tough your buddies are, huh?

Iolaus: Yeah, like when we nailed Strife at Kora's.

Jason: Uh, Herc nailed Strife at Kora's.

Iolaus: That is a minor technicality. If I'd had a shot at him, he would have gone down. Ooh! Hey. Guys. You know what I'm thinking?

Jason and Iolaus: Melonball!

Jason Yeah!

Hercules: No, no, no, no. We gotta get the chalice to the temple, all right?

Iolaus: Oh, what? You can't handle us?

Jason: Aw, I thought you were Mighty Hercules, Conqueror of the Gods! Gods! Gods! Gods!

Hercules: Okay. All right. I guess if we get the chalice to Zeus's temple this week, I have time to, uh, teach you two a lesson.

Iolaus: Come on, Hercules.

Jason: Come on, you big mouth.

Iolaus: Ooh! Ooh! Ooooh!

Jason: Go inside! Go inside! Go inside! I said inside!

Hercules: You went to a lot of trouble to prove you can't play, huh?

Jason: I told you to go inside.

Iolaus: I thought you mean the other inside.

Hercules: Well. Maybe next time you won't mess with the, uh, Mighty Hercules, huh?

Iolaus: It's good melon.

Hercules: Strife. What do you want, huh? Another whipping?

Strife: Oh, no. I couldn't fight you, Hercules. You're way too strong. How about the, uh, little blond one?

Iolaus: Hey! Who's little?

Hercules: Whoa, Iolaus. He's after something again.

Strife: No, no, no, no. More like I already got it.

Hercules: The chalice.

Strife: Now you see it... Now you don't.

Hercules: What did you do with it?!

Strife: Oh, like I'm just gonna tell you!

Jason: That's all right. We'll find it ourselves.

Strife: Better move fa-ast. Hera knows it's missing and, uh, I wouldn't wanna be around when she goes looking for it.

Iolaus: Where?

Strife: Oh, good home, nice family.

Hercules: I promise you, Strife. You put one innocent person in danger...

Strife: You know, I wouldn't have thought of Alcmene as being all that innocent.

Hercules: Mother?

Strife: 'Mother.' Subtle enough for ya, Unc?


Travelling Stranger: Whoa! My arm!

Alcmene: Are you all right?

Travelling Stranger: I think so.

Alcmene: Get back, Bear. Stay. Here, let me help you.

Travelling Stranger: No, no, I'll be fine. My horse threw me and ran off.

Alcmene: Bear is not usually so calm around strangers. You must have a way with dogs.

Travelling Stranger: Oh, I do. I do.

Act Two

Travelling Stranger: You saved my life and all I have to give you is this chalice. It's not much, but I insist.

Alcmene: I'm sorry. I couldn't take your gift. It's too nice.

Travelling Stranger: Oh, please. You don't know how happy it would make me for you to have it.

Alcmene: But we hardly know each other.

Travelling Stranger: The kindness you've shown a stranger tells me all I need to know about your heart.

Alcmene: I'll, um, have to think about it.


Hercules: Mother!

Alcmene: Hercules! What are you doing here?

Iolaus: There's big danger! Big danger! We- ooh, lemonade. Thanks!

Jason: Strife must have lied. Again.

Alcmene: But who lied? What's going on?

Hercules: Well, we... I took something from Hera to give to Zeus, and I know that I shouldn't have.

Alcmene: You took something of Hera's?

Hercules: Yes. But, see, Strife took it from me, and he said that he left it here with you.

Alcmene: Was it ruby red? Glittery?

Ares: Looking for this?

Hercules: Ares.

Alcmene: Ares?

Iolaus and Jason: Ares?

Iolaus: He's shorter than I thought.

Jason: Isn't he, though?

Ares: It's been awhile, hasn't it, baby brother?

Alcmene: How dare you come into my house pretending to-

Hercules: Mother!

Ares: Ah-ah. Don't get me too excited, I might... well, who knows what I might do?

Hercules: What do you want? If you're here for the chalice, just take it and leave us alone!

Ares: What I want is to see you suffer. When you grabbed Hera's chalice, you lost Daddy's protection, and now, I can destroy you. And I want your mother to watch.

Alcmene: Stay away from my son!

Hercules: Mother!

Ares: Well. Hercules? Your mother has spunk. I hate spunk.

Hercules: Listen. Get the chalice back to the cave.

Iolaus: We're gone!

Ares: You know? I don't really care about the chalice. That's really Hera's thing.

Hercules: Mother, come on! In the house!

Ares: You can't hide from me, little brother! Oh, cool. Lemonade.

Strife: Let me. Mama's first!

Ares: Young gods, always in such a rush. There's an art to torturing mortals. Let Hercules think he's safe. It'll make the end so much sweeter. Ah, the terror of the hunted.


Alcmene: Ares isn't after me. He's after you. Get yourself to safety.

Hercules: I'm not leaving you here alone.

Alcmene: If the gods had wanted to hurt me, they would have done it long ago. But if what Ares says is true... your father can no longer protect you from them.

Hercules: My father. My father. You know, I'm really sick of my father and his protection. You're the one who knows him. Why isn't he protecting you?

Ares: Knock, knock. Anybody home?

Hercules: I messed up big this time. Listen, Mom, I'm sorry. Going after the chalice to impress Zeus was exactly what you told me not to do.

Alcmene: It doesn't matter, son. But you need to run. You can't defeat the God of War.

Hercules: Run? Mother... where am I gonna run?

Alcmene: Hercules.

Hercules: Mother, I love you... but I will not run anymore.


Jason: We put back the chalice...

Iolaus: ...and Zeus's protection order kicks back in for Hercules. It's dead, right? The phoenix. It's not coming back.

Jason: What do you think? It's gonna rise up out of the ashes and come back to life?

Iolaus: Hey, maybe there's some treasure in there we missed before.

Jason: We're here to return this thing, Iolaus, not exchange it.

Iolaus: I know.

Jason: And maybe save Hercules's life.


Hercules: All right, Ares. Let's end this. Right now!

Ares: Ooh! See, Strife... it's just like I told you. It's so much more satisfying when the victim begs for it.

Ares: Everything was just fine till you came along!

Strife: Word! Yeah! Give it to him, Uncle Ares! Ooh, lemonade!


Iolaus: Wow, that was easy.

Jason: Yeah, too easy.

Iolaus: What is it with you, Jason? Why can't anything just be easy?

Jason: That's why.

Iolaus: Whoa.

Jason: Uh...


Ares: I was the favorite!

Strife: Ooh.

Ares: Number one. Me. Ares. Son of Zeus. God of War.

Strife: God of Waaar!

Hercules: Well, must be so rough for you.

Strife: Hey! Travelling, ref! Travelling!

Ares: Supplanted by a half-mortal. I could have destroyed you long ago, if not for Zeus's special protection! Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh?


Jason: You protect the chalice.

Iolaus: Protect the chalice? What about me?

Jason: How's it going, boys? Good, good. Afraid I can't let you have that.

Iolaus: Whoa. Uh... Jase? Jase!

Jason: Here, here. Go, go, go, go, go, go! Inside, Iolaus!


Strife: Ares couldn't do this sooner 'cause Zeus swore he'd smash any god who put the hurt on you! But you blew that when you stole the chalice. You're mine, now. I mean, he's yours now, Uncle Ares.

Ares: Nothing can save you now.


Iolaus: Whoa!


Ares: Nooooooooooooo! Why protect him again, Father?! I was so close! What about me? I have needs! This isn't over, brother. I'll be back.

Hercules: Yeah? I'm counting on it. Jason and Iolaus must have gotten the chalice back to the cave in time.

Alcmene: Be thankful for such good friends.

Hercules: I am. Mom?

Alcmene: Yeah?

Hercules: You got any of that lemonade left?


Iolaus: You'd think Cheiron would have accepted my excuse about the God of War vaporizing my homework.

Jason: For Cheiron, there are no excuses.

Iolaus: Yeah, but two weeks of kitchen duty? That's kind of extreme.

Hercules: Uh, listen, guys. Um... I just wanna say that... I-I-- I really appreciate what you guys did for me, you know? And. uh, well... if you ever need me for anything... you know what I'm tryin' to say.

Jason and Iolaus: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever.

Hercules: Thanks.

Jason: Hey, listen. When you're done feeding your face, move that to the left. The other left.

Iolaus: Oh. Oh! I'm sorry, man. Oh! Oh-oh-oh you!

Boys' Voices: Ow, ow! Come on! Come on!