The Treasure of Zeus Transcript (Dialogue Only)

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The Treasure of Zeus

This is a transcript of the dialogue of the episode The Treasure of Zeus, as aired, transcribed by Bryn. To see descriptive prose between the lines of dialogue, see The Treasure of Zeus Transcript (Novelization).


Ares: You know, being a god... living in Olympus... is no job for a weakling. Take me for example. 'The God of War.' Even I have to work hard.

Strife: I'm tired of being a nobody, Ares. I mean, 'Strife, The-God-of-War's-Nephew'... I mean, what does it say to anybody? I mean, I'm ready for the big time! Why can't I be, uh... 'Disaster', or, uh, 'Catastrophe'? Okay, well, that's hard to spell.

Ares: If you wanna be a real god, you gotta prove yourself worthy! Ya gotta act like a god... and make mortals suffer!

Strife: Been there, done that! I'm Strife! I'm bad!

Ares: Try 'naughty'. If you were any good at being bad, you'd dare what no god has dared before: destroy a mortal son of Zeus.

Strife: Hmm? Ah-ha! You mean Hercules.

Ares: My half-brother! Alcmene's brat! The apple of my father's all-seeing eye! Hera wants him gone, and so do I.

Strife: Whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Time out.

Ares: Don't get up.

Strife: No god can destroy Hercules without being fried - forever - by Zeus. Am I right, or am I right?

Ares: You're half right. Obviously, we can't attack him directly. But sometimes a little strife can lead to a major... catastrophe.

Strife: Yeah... Hercules... Here I come.


Hercules: Huh?

Alcmene: Hercules?

Hercules: He attacked me, Ma! Iolaus.

Iolaus: Hey.

Hercules: You been working out?

Iolaus: Hey, expect the unexpected. I was mopping the floor with you till your mom saved ya.

Hercules: Oh, really?

Alcmene: How about mopping the floor with this?

Hercules: Bye. Hey, Iolaus?

Iolaus: What?

Hercules: Expect the unexpected.

(Opening Credits)

Act One

Iolaus: Huh. You missed a spot.

Hercules: Oh, no you didn't.

Iolaus: Oh! No!

Hercules: Oh, really?

Alcmene: Hercules?

Hercules: Yeah? Oh. Uh-huh?

Alcmene: I've packed your things for the Academy.

Iolaus: I'll go grab my stuff.

Hercules: Thanks. You know? There's still a lot of work left to do. I could, uh-

Alcmene: How do you think I get by when you're off at the Academy?

Hercules: I don't know. I know Zeus doesn't help.

Alcmene: Oh, Hercules. I wish you weren't so obsessed with your father. Since you were little, you've taken every dare - no matter how dangerous or how foolish - always trying to prove worthy of Zeus.

Hercules: That's not true.

Alcmene: Even though you've never met your father, you can't escape your birthright. But what you become - that's in your hands. Be a good man.

Hercules: Be nothing like Zeus.

Alcmene: Hercules.

Hercules: Mom. He abandoned you.

Alcmene: He gave me the thing I treasure most: You.

Hercules: Oh, uh-

Alcmene: Now, get going, both of you, before I put you back to work.

Hercules: Okay, heh.

Alcmene: Take care, Hercules.

Hercules: Goodbye.

Alcmene: Bye.

Iolaus: Bye, Alcmene. Thanks for everything. 'Mommy! Bye, Mommy! I'll miss you, Mommy!'


Hercules: Last decent meal before Cheiron and his academy food.

Jason: Hercules, Iolaus.

Hercules: Jason!

Iolaus: Hey!

Hercules: Looking good. How're things in Corinth?

Jason: Ah, same old, same old. How's your mom?

Hercules: She's okay.

Jason: Hey, you been workin' out?

Iolaus: Yeah, just enough to kick your royal backside.

Jason: Yeah? You and who else?

Iolaus: Hey, is that new? It looks like fine Corinthian leather... almost fit for a king.

Hercules: Hey, does it come with a matching crown?

Jason: Knock it off, knock it off. That's what I like about Cheiron's Academy. There, I'm just a student; I'm not a prince.

Kora: Did I hear that right? You some kind of prince?

Jason: Uh, yeah. Yeah, actually, I'm gonna be the King of Corinth.

Hercules and Iolaus: Just another student.

Hercules: Right.

Jason: Maybe, if you're ever in Corinth, you could drop by and I could show you the palace.

Kora: Gee, a palace? Uh, I think I might faint! Now, are you two archdukes gonna order, or are you waiting for the king's leftovers?

Hercules and Iolaus: Uh-

Iolaus: We'll have what he's having and, put all three on my bill...

Kora: Mm-hmm, looks empty. No dinars, no dinner.

Jason: That's okay. That's okay. I'm buyin'.

Iolaus: Um- I'm really tight with the owner here. He always gives me credit.

Kora: Nice try, curly. I'm the owner.

Satyr: Get ready. Here comes Strife.

Hercules: Tuition's due this week. How you gonna pay for it if you're broke?

Iolaus: Uh, who says I'm broke?

Nysus Gaius: Not so rough, guys.

Hercules: Uh, why don't you keep your hooves to yourself?

Satyr: What're you gonna do about it?

Nysus Gaius: Please... no violence. We're all humans, here... more or less.

Iolaus: If I were you, I'd get out of the way.

Satyr: Academy punks.

Kora: Hold it right there! You kiddies wanna play, you take it outside. If I want things broken around here, I'll hire a dishwasher.

Satyr's Voice: Yeah... like they know how to fight.

Kora: Looks like I'm gonna have to put up a sign: 'No shirt, no feet, no service.'

Nysus Gaius: Hey, thanks for standing up for me.

Hercules: No problem. Listen... what's your name?

Nysus Gaius: Ny-Nysus Gaius. I'm, uh, heading off to Cheiron's Academy. I'm gonna be the new top student there.

Jason: Really?

Hercules: That's great. You wanna come sit down?

Nysus Gaius: Surely.

Hercules: Let's go.


Hercules: You know what the hardest part of the academy is?

Nysus Gaius: What?

Hercules: The ground.

Nysus Gaius: What?

Hercules: Nysus, say hello to Cheiron, our headmaster.

Nysus Gaius: Oh, hi, sir. I didn't recognize you.

Cheiron: I see you're showing the new cadet the ropes. I hope you're being gentle with him.

Hercules: As gentle as if you were teaching him yourself, sir.

Cheiron: The tree that grows on the stoniest ground has the strongest roots.

Nysus Gaius: And my uncle said I was hard to understand. Does he always talk in roots?

Hercules: Yep.

Strife: Uh.

Hercules: You'll get used to it. Come on. Let's try that drill again.

Nysus Gaius: Yeah. My uncle's the reason why I'm here. He used to tell me about this place, near the academy... in a cave, up on the mountain.

Hercules: What cave?

Nysus Gaius: Ah, it's nothing famous. They got a chalice there, made by Zeus himself.

Cheiron: Watch your footwork, Hercules!


Hercules: Uh, hey, hey, Nysus. Ah, how you doing? Good. Listen, um... I was just wondering... you know that chalice you were telling me about? The one in the cave? Did you say that Zeus made it?

Nysus Gaius: Wedding present for Hera. But they say he wants it back, now that they don't see much of each other.

Hercules: Oh. Well, uh, if he wants it back, why doesn't he just take it?

Nysus Gaius: Well, maybe he promised not to. Even Zeus has to keep his word. All this fuss over an ugly old cup she probably never even used.

Hercules: Yeah, you know? She probably never even used it, anyway, right?

Nysus Gaius: Yeah. Ha.

Hercules: Thanks, Nysus.

Nysus Gaius: Okay.

Ares: Strife. Is my dear brother hooked?

Nysus Gaius: Like a little fish, Uncle. Ready for Hera to fry.

Act Two

Iolaus: A-ha! Uh, I've gotta quit doing that.

Jason: If Cheiron catches you sneaking out after curfew, he'll kick your rear - and he can really kick.

Iolaus: I bet he's sneakin' off to see that girl at the inn.

Jason: She liked me more than him.

Hercules: Guys, she didn't like any of us, all right?

Iolaus: Hmm.

Jason: Good point. Well, if you're not going to the inn, where are you going?

Iolaus: Yeah, there's nowhere else to go around here.

Hercules: There's a cave. It's up in the mountains. There's treasure hidden inside it.

Iolaus: The old treasure-in-the-cave story. Come on.

Hercules: It's dangerous, okay? And I don't wanna get you both hurt.

Iolaus: He's trying to get rid of us.

Jason: Keep all the glory for himself.

Iolaus: I don't care about the glory. I just want the treasure. Hey, uh, Herc. So... what're we talking about here? Is it gold? Silver?

Hercules: It's a chalice.

Iolaus: A chalice?

Jason: A goblet. A drinking cup.

Iolaus: Thank you, Jason. I know what a chalice is. I mean, is it gold?

Hercules: Well, I don't really know what it's made of, you know? All I know is that, uh... it belongs to Zeus.

Iolaus: Whoa. Hold it. Time out. You're gonna snag a chalice that belongs to Zeus? Is this one of those father-son things?

Hercules: No. Listen, it's not like that this time. I'm not takin' it from Zeus... I'm taking it back to him.

Jason: We're gonna spend all night, climbing a mountain, so you can get a pat on the back from your dad?

Hercules: I didn't ask you two to come, and I can do this on my own.

Iolaus: All right, all right, we'll come with you. But if there's anything in the chalice, like gold, we split it three ways.

Hercules: Two ways. All I want is the chalice.

Jason: One way. I'm just coming along to keep you jerks out of trouble.

Iolaus: I love you guys.


Iolaus: Where are the guards protecting this thing?

Jason: You figure a chalice that belongs to the king of the gods would be protected. There's no one around here.

Iolaus: Yeah, how hard can it be?

Jason: Really?

Hercules: Ask him.

Iolaus: Uh... just in case.

Jason: Just in case.

Hercules: Uh, uh... I'm just gonna.. excuse me.

Iolaus: So... what kind of cave is this, anyway? Are there slimy things in it? 'Cause I really hate those slimy things that live in caves.

Hercules: Whoa, whoa! Guys! Get down, get down!

Jason: What?

Hercules: I think it's a phoenix cave.

Iolaus: Well, how do you know?

Hercules: Well, there's a phoenix sitting on top of it.

Iolaus: That thing's twenty feet tall!

Hercules: Yeah. It-it's probably just a statue to scare people away, huh?

Iolaus: You sure?

Hercules: Well... no.

Jason: There's only one way to find out.

Jason and Hercules: One. Two. Three.

Iolaus: Hey, sounds like wood.

Jason: Oh, you think so?

Hercules: Come on. Let's do it.


Hercules: Whoa, whoa. Well, it's a booby trap.

Iolaus: Eh, it looks easy enough.

Jason: All right, let's think about this.

Hercules: Iolaus!

Iolaus: See?

Hercules: Iolaus! Don't let go!

Jason: You never listen, do you? I just got done saying that we need to think about this, and then you go-

Hercules: Hey, hey, Jason! Talk about bad timing.

Iolaus: Thanks for the lecture, Jason.

Jason: You never listen.

Iolaus: You know, I might have fallen!

Jason: You deserve it!

Iolaus: These big spikes-

Hercules: Hey, hey, hey! Shh!


Hercules: The chalice.

Iolaus: Cool. Zeus does nice work.

Jason: Look out!

Hercules: Thanks.

Iolaus: What do you think's in it?

Hercules: I don't know. It could be a trap.

Iolaus: Oh, uh... you have a look, then.

Hercules: Okay. It looks like water.

Jason: Maybe the cave leaks.

Iolaus: Ah, let me see that. You telling me I came all this way for a drink of water?

Jason: Hey, I think, uh... I think we should get out of here.

Iolaus: Remember that time when they served us beans in the dining hall for a whole week straight?

Jason: We had a blast.


Hercules: Everybody'll be in the training hall by now.

Iolaus: Great, I missed breakfast. All for this dumb cup.

Hercules: Iolaus! Iolaus!

Iolaus: Hey, Herc! You gonna do something, or what?

Hercules: What do you think I'm trying to do?!

Iolaus: Whoa! Thanks, Jase. Herc! Hang on!

Hercules: Like I have a choice?

Strife: Oh-ho-ho-ho. Have a nice fli-ight."