Teacher's Pests Transcript (Dialogue Only)

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Teacher's Pests

This is a transcript of the dialogue of the episode Teacher's Pests, as aired, transcribed by Bryn.


Hercules: Come on! Give up!

Jason: Ah, never!

Hercules: You're lucky. I almost had ya.

Jason: Ah, in your dreams.

Hercules: Oh yeah? You're just lucky the bell rang.

Jason: You're lucky the bell rang.

Hercules: No, I think you're lucky the bell rang. So, got your stuff ready?

Jason: Oh, I've been ready for this break for days.

Hercules: I thought you loved this place.

Jason: I do. Doesn't mean I wanna spend my weekends here.

Hercules: Well. I can think of worse things than hanging out here with no one else around, you know? It'd be nice and quiet.

Jason: Remind me never to have you plan one of my parties.


Fiducius: Look out, you! Clumsy! You want a suspension, is that what you want? Huh?


Iolaus: Mmm, yeah, it's you.

Hercules: Whoo!

Jason: Whoa. Smells like a satyr crawled in here and died.

Iolaus: Yeah, that's very funny. Whoa! Hey, hey! Mi-! Mind the hair.

Hercules: Looks like somebody's got big plans for the weekend, huh? What's up?

Iolaus: Well, if you losers must know, I have a date... with Kora.

Hercules: Come on. Get serious.

Iolaus: Hey, what can I say? I guess she decided I'm the man for her.

Hercules: Whoo.

Jason: I thought you said you were going to Kora's to ask for work, like being a busboy or something?

Iolaus: Do I look like the busboy type?

Hercules: Ah, you're right. More like a dishwasher.

Iolaus: Ah, you're just jealous.

Jason: No, we're hungry.

Iolaus: Well, I'll tell you what. Last one out the gate buys breakfast.


Iolaus: I think someone owes me a breakfast!

Hercules: Nice one, Iolaus! Guys... I think we're in trouble.

Act One

Fiducius: Hoodlums! Terrorists!

Iolaus: Bless you.

Fiducius: Huh?

Hercules: Fiducius.

Fiducius: Huh?

Hercules: We're sorry. okay? It was an accident.

Fiducius: Ha!

Iolaus: Yeah, we were just having a race.

Fiducius: It was a premeditated malicious attack on a despised authority figure! Don't think I don't know how you boys snicker at me behind my back! Keep it up, boys. You're just digging yourselves a bigger hole. This might even affect your permanent record.

Cheiron: I trust the discipline Fiducius chooses will enlighten as well as punish.

Fiducius: You're gonna be enlightened, all right. Boys, if you had any plans for today, forget 'em. You're stuck here with me.

Iolaus: You can't do that!

Fiducius: Why not?

Iolaus: Well, because- I mean- I mean, I'm sup- I-I-

Fiducius: Obviously, you've got me confused with someone who cares.

Iolaus: Yes, sir.

Fiducius: See? There are two little words you boys never learned: respect and responsibility, the keys to an orderly society. You boys show no respect. You boys take no responsibility. When my boy, Pythias, was a student here... things were different.

Iolaus: Just kill me now.


Jason: Ah, I hate this. You really think he's gonna make us work all day?

Hercules: Fiducius? The Dean of Mean? You bet.

Iolaus: I can't stay here all day! There's no way! I've got to get out.

Jason: Why is that?

Iolaus: W-well, you know, I-I got that big date with, uh, Kora.

Jason: Date?

Hercules: You're gonna have to do better than that. Come on, come on.

Iolaus: Okay, I'm a busboy.

Hercules: Ah!

Jason: There you go. Now, don't you feel better?

Iolaus: No, not really. It's my first day. If I don't turn up, Kora's gonna fire me for sure.

Hercules: Why don't you just tell Fidicius that?

Iolaus: Well, I tried. He couldn't care less. Anyway, how is it gonna prove I wasn't just making it up? So I was, uh, thinking I might, uh, sneak out.

Jason: Are you crazy?

Hercules: You get caught, and you'll get kicked out of school.

Iolaus: Well, if Kora fires me, I can't pay my tuition anyway. The thing is... I need you guys to cover for me.

Jason: You gotta be kidding, Iolaus.

Hercules: Look, I don't think so, you know?

Iolaus: Don't you remember why I'm here? Probation. If I'm not in the academy, I'm in jail. I'm going to Kora's whether or not you help me.

Hercules: All right. We'll do it.

Iolaus: Ooh, you guys are the best. And Jason-

Jason: Don't hug me.

Iolaus: Okay. Okay.

Jason: Oh! Hercules... I just remembered. I, also have, uh, to go.

Hercules: Oh, really?

Jason: Yeah.

Hercules: No!


Jason: I can't believe I'm doing this.

Hercules: What? You're great with animals.

Jason: You know what I'm talking about. Fiducius would love to catch us pulling a stunt like this.

Fiducius: Like what?

Hercules: Uh, uh, well, like nothing, sir.

Fiducius: You call this 'mucked out'? My boy, Pythias, would be ashamed to let a teacher see such shoddy work.

Jason: Yeah, I'll bet he could really shovel it.

Fiducius: Huh?

Jason: Huh?

Fiducius: Wait a minute! Where's that Iolaus?

Hercules: Oh, h-he's, well, h-he's right up, uh, in the loft, sir.

Fiducius: Where?

Hercules: Ah, right up there. You see? Hey, uh, Iolaus!

Fiducius: I'll go speed him up!

Hercules: Uh...

Jason: Ho! Hip! Hip! Psst!

Fiducius: Hey! My eye!

Jason: Sorry about that. The goat, the goat moved.

Hercules: Hey, uh, Iolaus! Toss me a bale! Hey, thank you!

Hercules as Iolaus: Uh, you're welcome!

Jason: Hey, we better get that out. You wouldn't want the milk to curdle.

Fiducius: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, let go of me! Stay alert up there, if you know what's good for you!

Hercules as Iolaus: Yes, sir!

Fiducius: Clumsy! Undisciplined! Irresponsible!


Cadet: Look at you, Tapert! You're a free man!


Kora: A little late for our first day, aren't we?

Iolaus: Uh, I'm sorry. It was, uh, shepherd rush hour.

Kora: Oh. That's a new one. Look, I'm really busy today, so I need you to wait tables.

Iolaus: I'm a waiter? Cool. Do waiters get to date the boss? Ow!

Kora: Not dead ones. Take the table in the corner. You've got a customer waiting.

Iolaus: Ow. It's okay, I'm a waiter. This is just not my day.

Act Two

Cadet: Come one, let's go to the house of graves, and Mary Field. [I really didn't catch this line.]


Kora: Uh, what's with the hat?

Iolaus: Uh, well, I was just, uh, thinking, you know? What if all the waiters wore different goofy hats? You know? I mean, ha! Wouldn't that be a cute gimmick?

Kora: We already have a cute gimmick. It's called, "Serving the customers".


Fiducius: All these scrolls must be filed in strict alphabetical order. When my boy, Pythias, went here, the students knew the value of a precisely orderd library. But nobody reads anymore. Everyone's too busy going to plays or lookin' at sculptures. Now where's Iolaus?

Hercules: Oh, uh, pssh, he was right behind me a second ago.

Fiducius: There's something strange going on here.

Jason: He went to slop the hogs.

Fiducius: Slop the hogs?

Jason: Yeah.

Fiducius: Really?

Jason: Yeah.

Hercules: Slop the hogs.

Fiducius: Very well. Get to work.

Hercules: Slop the hogs?

Jason: It was the only thing I could think of!

Fiducius: Hmm... slop the hogs...

Jason: He didn't believe me. That really burns me up!

Hercules: Let's hope I can get there first.

Jason: Is there no trust anymore?


Cheiron: Are the oats fresh today?

Iolaus: Uh, you bet!

Cheiron: Fine. I'll have the, uh, vegetarian stuffed grape leaves and a side order of oats. Thanks.

Iolaus: Thank you.


Hercules: Iolaus, you owe me so big-time.

Fiducius: Oh! Iolaus, is that you?

Hercules as Iolaus: Uh, yes. Yes, sir.

Fiducius: You really throw yourself into your work, don't you, boy?

Hercules as Iolaus: Yes, sir.

Fiducius: I gotta say, it's better than that cologne you were wearing. Carry on. Just... wash up before you come back in, huh?

Hercules as Iolaus: Yes, sir!

Hercules: Hey, what are you looking at, Porky?


Cadet: Dickens is pretty strict about a dress code, here.


Kora: What's going on? Why are you hiding from him?

Iolaus: Hiding? Pffft! What do you mean, hiding?

Guy with the Goofy Hat: Hey! My hat!

Kora: Hmm. So?

Cheiron: Waiter! More water, please.

Kora: Mmmhmmm.


Hercules: Hey.

Jason: Oh, don't scare me like that. Hey, what happened?

Hercules: Oh, you won't believe it. I get to the pigpen, right-

Jason: Oh, that's great. Hey, you know what these are?

Hercules: No.

Jason: These are student records.

Hercules: So?

Jason: So, I just dropped most of the F's.

Hercules: Okay?

Jason: Flanicci...

Hercules: Wait.

Jason: Flaenus...

Hercules: Oh. Jason, listen, I-I wouldn't mess with this if I was you, okay?

Jason: Ahhh... here we go. Pythias Fiducius. As in, 'Back when my boy, Pythias, went to school'. Let's see if he's the, uh, hotshot Big Daddy says he is.

Hercules: Jason, I really think that we should put it back, okay?

Jason: Whoa.

Hercules: What? Oh. Incompletes? Look at this. He even got a suspension.

Jason: So much for 'Mr. Perfect Cadet', huh?

Hercules: You know what's weird about this? It doesn't even mention him graduating.

Fiducius: That's because he didn't.


Cheiron: Thank you, Kora.

Kora: Come again!

Iolaus: So. How am I doing?

Kora: Oh, I'd say you're done.

Iolaus: You mean I'm fired?

Kora: Nah. I've just had enough entertainment for one day.

Iolaus: Oh. Great. So, when do I get my pay?

Kora: It should just about cover your damages.

Iolaus: Ah. Gotcha.

Kora: Now, beat it. I'll see ya next week.

Iolaus: Thanks... Boss.


Fiducius: He was a good boy, once. Good student. Made me proud. Then he started getting into scrapes. Small ones at first. I went easy on him, covered for him, let him get away with things. He got wilder and wilder... uncontrollable. I didn't know what to do with him. One day... he just ran away. You wonder why I'm so hard on you boys. It's because I don't want the same thing to happen to you. I don't want to let you down... the way I did him.

Hercules: You can't keep blaming yourself for your son's mistakes. Eventually, you have to let him take responsibility for himself.

Fiducius: I wish I could. Perhaps when you have children of your own, you'll understand.

Hercules: Maybe. But I do know that I would be the luckiest kid in the world if I had a father who cared about me as much as you care about him.

Fiducius: Huh?

Iolaus: Oh. Uh, sorry. I'll come back later.

Hercules: Iolaus. Uh, listen, Fiducius. He had to go, okay? He has a job.

Jason: We said we'd do his work for him.

Iolaus: Yeah, yeah, don't blame them. It was my fault.

Cheiron: So. How did it go today?

Fiducius: Not quite as I expected. But they worked hard. They're good boys.

Cheiron: Sometimes it's the teacher that learns a lesson. Enjoy the rest of your day. Oh, one more thing. Iolaus?

Iolaus: Uh, y-yes, sir?

Cheiron: Your tip.

Iolaus: Hey!

Jason: You owe me.

Iolaus: For? Oh. Kora's.

Hercules: It's okay. He can buy you another dinner, all right?