Teacher's Pests Shooting Draft
|« Back to "1.06 - Teacher's Pests"|
(Formerly "The Breakfast Club")
Written by: John Loy
Directed by: Chris Graves
Production Draft - April 20, 1998
Pages 6-8 - May 14, 1998
Pages 1-1B - June 08, 1998
Pacific Island Pictures, LTD, All Rights Reserved © 1998
Iolaus - (ee-OH-lus)
Fiducius - (fi-DOO-shuss)
Leonidas - (lee-oh-NEE-dass)
Cheiron's Academy - Scroll Room
Cheiron's Academy - Stables
Cheiron's Academy - Shower Room
Cheiron's Academy - Courtyard Cheiron's Academy - Pig Sty Cheiron's Academy - Gate
EXT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - TRAINING HALL - DAY
Establish -- with the sound of PADDED STAFFS HITTING AND PARRYING.
INT. ACADEMY - TRAINING HALL - ONE CORNER - CONTINUOUS
JASON lunges hard with a padded staff; HERC parries; Jason spins low; Herc jumps above it; then Jason brings his staff up to his shoulder level, held wide to block a hard downward slash by Herc. Both cadets are sweating from a hard workout. The staffs hold for a beat, neither giving an inch:
(NOTE: IF THE ABOVE EXCHANGE IS TOO MUCH ACTION, JUST START ON THE NEITHER-GIVING-AN-INCH MOMENT.) Then they hear a BELL sound. Suddenly they both relax.
In your dreams.
Each one picks up equipment -- padded staffs, shields, swords, etc. -- and puts it away -- against a wall, on a table, in a closet, etc. -- as they talk.
You got your stuff ready?
I've been ready for this break for days.
(indicating the academy)
I thought you loved this dump.
I love my family --
He tosses something heavy away.
That doesn't mean I want to spend my weekend with them.
I don't know... I could think of worse things than hanging around here with everybody else gone. It'd be nice and quiet.
As they finish putting stuff up, they come together as Jason shakes his head at Herc:
Remind me not to have you plan my next party.
EXT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - GATE - DAY
Laughing Students EXIT through the gate in groups of two and three. FIDUCIUS, the academy's grumpy bookkeeper, emerges from a doorway and heads across the traffic stream, loaded down with scrolls. A Student bumps into him, almost making him drop his armful. Fiducius struggles to keep his balance, shouting after the Student.
Look out, you! Clumsy! You want a suspension?! Is that what you want?!
Glaring after the kid, Fiducius staggers on under his load.
INT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - SHOWER ROOM
The SCREEN is filled with steam. Through the mist emerges HERCULES, dressed but with wet hair and a towel draped around his neck. From the mist, a towel snaps at his butt.
Ow! Watch it!
JASON steps from the steam, twirling his towel.
Hurry up, will ya? I want to hit the road!
Relax. We've got plenty of --
(looks O.S.; stops short)
Whoa. Check that out.
ANGLE IN DORM
IOLAUS stands before his open locker, checking himself out in a mirror as he douses with cologne. The guys join him, sniffing and making faces. Jason waves a hand in the air.
Wow. Smells like a Satyr crawled in here and died!
Very funny. Don't touch the hair!
Somebody's got some big plans for the weekend. What's up?
If you losers must know, I've got a date... with Kora.
Herc gives him a playful shove.
What can I say? I guess she's decided I'm the man for her!
I thought you said you were going to ask Kora for work -- as in being a busboy?
Do I look like the busboy type?
He strikes a "cool" pose. Herc and Jason consider him a moment, exchanging looks -- then Herc turns back to Iolaus:
Iolaus rolls his eyes, turns back to his mirror.
Ah, you're just jealous.
No, we're hungry.
Last one out the gate buys breakfast!
Herc bolts for the door. Iolaus and Jason look at each other for a brief beat, then race after him.
EXT. CHEIRON'S SCADEMY - COURTYARD - CONTINUOUS
The three guys come piling out the dormitory door, getting stuck for a BEAT before popping out, laughing. They tear madly across the courtyard toward the gate, shoving and grabbing at each other. Jason hurdles over a horse trough; Herc vaults over the horse. Up ahead, Fiducius emerges from the door with another large stack of scrolls. Iolaus, in the lead, glances back at his pals as he comes running straight toward Fiducius.
Looks like somebody owes me a break --
WHAM! Iolaus runs smack into Fiducius. The scrolls go flying. Fiducius is thrown backwards, SCREAMS...
...and tumbles head over heels into a nearby well. There's a huge SPLASH. Herc and his pals pull up, as scrolls rain down around them. They look over to see CHEIRON stepping into the courtyard, frowning curiously. Fiducius throws his arms over the wall of the well and pulls himself into view, spitting out a stream of water. Herc glances at his friends.
Guys, I think we're in trouble.
EXT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - COURTYARD - DAY
Herc, Jason, and Iolaus stand in a line before Cheiron and Fiducius, the latter soaking wet and furious.
Cheiron shoots him a look. Iolaus looks down.
Fiducius, we're really sorry. It was an accident.
We were just having a race, and--
Fiducius darts forward and jabs a finger in Iolaus's face.
It was a premeditated, malicious attack on a despised authority figure! Don't think I don't know how you boys snicker at me behind my back!
He turns and stalks back to Cheiron, revealing a wet scroll which has unrolled and is plastered to his butt. The boys struggle not to laugh.
But we don't.
Herc and Iolaus repress more SNICKERS. Fiducius spins back toward them. Instant silence.
Keep it up, boys! You're just digging yourselves a bigger hole!
This might even affect your permanent records!
The guys exchange worried glances. Fiducius stalks up to Cheiron. Cheiron gazes impassively at the boys.
I trust the discipline Fiducius chooses will enlighten as well as punish.
As always, I leave them in your care.
As Cheiron exits, Fiducius grins gleefully.
You're going to be 'enlightened' all right... Boys, if you had plans for today, you can forget 'em! You're stuck here with me!
Herc and Jason look disappointed, but Iolaus is aghast.
You can't do that!
With a little smile, Fiducius takes a step towards Iolaus.
I have to go! I promised somebody that... I mean...
Iolaus wilts under Fiducius' sneer.
Obviously you've got me confused with somebody who cares.
He turns away. Iolaus hangs his head.
Fiducius paces before the boys. As he starts pontificating, their lips move along with his. They've heard it all before.
See, there are two little words you boys never learned: respect and responsibility! The keys to an orderly society!
ANGLE FROM GATE
In the B.G., Fiducius carries on before his captive audience. Cheiron EXITS PAST CAMERA. He smiles gently (not mocking) -- he's heard this lecture, too.
You boys show no respect! You boys take no responsibility!
BACK ON GROUP IN COURTYARD
When my boy Pythias was a student here, things were different!
He gives them a long, "meaningful" look, then turns away, hands clasped behind his back. Iolaus leans toward Herc.
Just kill me now.
INT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - STABLES - DAY
Mucking out a disgusting horse stall, Jason pauses to wipe his brow, smearing a big streak of dirt on his face.
You really think he's gonna make us work all day?
Herc WALKS THROUGH, carrying a large hay bale.
Fiducius? The Dean of Mean? You bet!
WHAM! Another hay bale falls right behind him. Iolaus looks down at them from the loft.
I can't stay here all day! There's no way! I gotta get out!
Herc drops his hay bale and Jason leans on his shovel. Both look up at Iolaus; they're going to enjoy this.
Oh, really? Tell us why. Exactly.
Well, you know, I got that big date with Kora, and...
Herc and Jason exchange looks. Jason shakes his head and turns back to his shoveling.
Sorry! You'll have to do better than that.
Iolaus sags. He shrugs, giving it up.
I'm a busboy.
Jason shoots Herc a triumphant look, then smiles at Iolaus.
There! Now don't you feel better?
Today's my first day. If I don't show up, Kora's gonna fire me for sure!
So why don't you just tell that to Fiducius?
Hey, I tried! He couldn't care less! Anyway, how could he prove I wasn't just making it up?
He glances around as if afraid of being overheard, then drops down out of the loft, landing between his friends.
I, um... I was thinking I might try to sneak out.
Herc and Jason exchange concerned glances. Herc hurries to the stable door and closes it.
Are you crazy?!
If you got caught, he'd throw the book at you! You'd probably get kicked out of school!
Hey, if Kora fires me, I can't pay my tuition anyway.
He looks at his pals, hesitates.
The thing is... I need you to cover for me.
You're kidding, right?
Iolaus... I don't know...
Don't you remember why I'm here? Probation. If I'm not in the academy, I'm in jail. I'm going to Kora's whether you help me or not.
Herc and Jason exchange long looks. Finally Jason nods. Herc turns to Iolaus.
Okay. We'll cover for you.
You guys are the best!
He grabs Herc by the shoulders, then turns to Jason, who raises his shovel.
Just don't hug me, okay?
You got it.
Iolaus smiles as he steps to the door, peeks out, and exits.
EXT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - COURTYARD - CONTINUOUS
Iolaus slips into the courtyard and makes his way toward the gate. Suddenly, he sees Fiducius gathering up the scrolls, right by the gate. Iolaus dives behind the well just as Fiducius turns toward him. But a scroll falls off the stack, and when Fiducius bends to pick it up, Iolaus races for the gate and dives out. He's just disappeared from view when Fiducius straightens up.
INT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - STABLES - CONTINUOUS
Hercules is climbing down from the loft -- we see that he's not wearing his boots -- as Jason pulls up a stool by a goat and starts milking.
I can't believe I'm doing this.
You've milked goats before.
Herc crosses to one of the uprights supporting the loft. There's a rope hanging down which he pulls around behind the post.
You know what I mean. Fiducius would love to catch us pulling a stunt like this.
Fiducius is standing in the doorway with a smug smile.
Uh, nothing, sir!
Jason bends to his bilking, and Herc picks up a hay bale. The guys sneak worried looks at each other -- how much did he hear? Fiducius strolls in, looking around. He glances into a stall, then shakes his head.
You called this mucked out?! My boy Pythias would be ashamed to let a teacher see such shoddy work!
Yeah, I'll bet he could really shovel it.
Fiducius glares, seems about to reprimand him, then frowns, suddenly noticing something.
Wait a second. Where's that Iolaus?
Herc glances at Jason. This is it.
Right up there -- in the loft!
Dropping his bale, Herc points up into the loft. A pair of boots can be seen at the edge of the hay, toes pointing down, as if Iolaus is kneeling, faced away from them.
He's right up there.
(calls up to loft)
I'll go speed him up!
Fiducius drops his scrolls and grabs a pitchfork. He starts up the ladder. Herc gestured urgently to Jason, who aims a teat at Fiducius and squirts milk right in his eye.
Sorry! The goat moved!
Fiducius stumbles around blindly, groping for the ladder.
Iolaus! Toss me a bale!
Herc pulls the rope hidden behind the post. WHUMP! A bale of hay comes down, narrowly missing Fiducius, who jumps. Herc calls up to "Iolaus," then answers himself in a bad side-of-the-mouth imitation of Iolaus's voice.
Jason jumps up and hustles the still-blinking Fiducius to the stable door.
Better go rinse out -- wouldn't want that milk to curdle!
Fiducius yanks his arm away, and turns to squint up at the loft.
Let go of me! Stay alert up there if you know what's good for you!
Fiducius stumbles out. Jason closes the stable door behind him, then leans against it, breathing a sigh of relief.
Think he bought it?
INT. KORA'S INN - DAY
The joint is jumping. KORA is behind the counter as Iolaus comes running in, looking behind him as if pursued. He slams right into the counter, drawing a scornful look from her.
A little late for our first day, aren't we?
Sorry. Shepherd rush hour.
(shakes her head)
That's a new one. Look, I'm really busy today, so I need you to wait tables.
Iolaus gives a pleased smile as she tosses him an apron.
I'm a waiter? Cool!
(waggles his eyebrows)
Do waiters get to date the boss?
He teasingly reaches a hand towards her. Kora grabs it, gives his wrist a twist.
(with a sweet smile)
Not dead ones. Take the table in the corner. You got a customer waiting.
She lets go and exits into the kitchen. Iolaus flexes his hand. Another Waiter passes by with a tray. Iolaus snatches a tidbit and tosses it into his mouth. The Waiter glares.
It's okay. I'm a waiter!
The guy shrugs, walks on. Then Iolaus looks across the room and spots his Customer on table nine. His face falls. Cheiron stands at the table, reading the menu scroll.
This just isn't my day.
INT. KORA'S INN - CONTINUOUS
Iolaus stares at Cheiron nervously. Spotting a hat rack nearby, he snatches a floppy, wide-brimmed shepherd's had off it and jams it low on his head, ducking a bit to enhance the effect. Kora emerges from the kitchen with a tray of food. When she sees Iolaus in the hat, she frowns, bemused but bewildered.
What's with the hat?
I was just thinking, what if all the waiters wore different goofy hats? Wouldn't that be a cute gimmick?
We already have a cute gimmick. It's called serving the customers.
She gestures him on as she hurries OS with the tray. Across the room, Cheiron sets down the menu scroll, and starts to look up. Iolaus throws himself backwards through the kitchen door. (There's a major O.S. CRASH OF METAL AND CROCKERY.) Cheiron blinks, shrugs, then looks back at the menu.
INT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - SCROLL ROOM - DAY
Herc and Jason face a wall covered with shelves, all of which are filled with scrolls. Fiducius enters to drop another armful of scrolls atop a pile already on the floor between the boys.
All these scrolls must be filed in strict alphabetical order.
Herc and Jason glance at the scrolls, then each other.
When my boy Pythias went here, the students knew the value of a precisely ordered library.
But nobody reads these days.
Everyone's too busy going to plays, looking at sculptures!
He shakes his head, then looks around and reacts.
Now where's Iolaus?
Herc affects a confused frown, glances around.
He was right behind me a second ago.
This time Fiducius isn't buying it. He regards them suspiciously.
There's something strange going on here.
The guys blink at each other, at a loss. Jason brightens.
Oh, I remember! He went to slop the hogs!
Slop the hogs.
He looks at them. They look as innocent as possible.
Very well. Get to work.
Fiducius exits. Herc glances at Jason.
Slop the hogs, huh?
It was the only thing I could think of.
Herc crosses to peer out the door.
EXT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - COURTYARD - CONTINUOUS
Fiducius is at his office door. However, instead of going on, he glances across the courtyard, then hurries off.
INT CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - SCROLL ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Jason steps up to peer out over Herc's shoulder.
That burns me up. He didn't believe me!
I just hope I can get there first!
Herc speeds away. A beat, then Jason frowns, shakes his head:
Is there no trust anymore?
EXT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - COURTYARD - CONTINUOUS
Herc peeks out, sees Fiducius scurrying off to the far end of the courtyard. Herc takes off running, heading in the opposite direction from Fiducius.
INT. KORA'S INN - DAY - CLOSE ON MENU SCROLL
PULL BACK to REVEAL Cheiron reading the menu. Iolaus stands next to him, holding a tray piled high with goblets, pitchers, and stacks of dishes. Hat pulled down low, he struggles to hold the tray up between his face and Cheiron.
Are the oats fresh today?
Cheiron nods, rolls up the scroll, and hands it to Iolaus.
I'll have the vegetarian stuffed grape leaves and a side of oats.
Iolaus almost drops the tray as he reaches one hand down to take the menu. He manages to keep it together, though, and backs away from the table, tray held high. Over by the counter, Kora reacts with a curious frown.
EXT.CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - PIG STY - DAY
Two or three large hogs wallow in the mud in F.G. Herc comes running around the corner of a building in B.G., and dashes for the pig pen. As Herc reaches the pen, Fiducius appears in the distance, coming around the far corner. Herc thinks fast, decides.
Iolaus... you owe me a big one!
Closing his eyes, he dives headfirst into the muck. A BEAT later, Fiducius strides up to the pig pen.
Iolaus! Is that you?
Herc sticks his head up from behind the hogs. Herc's on his knees (IOLAUS IS SHORTER), covered with mud. He blinks at Fiducius, who's taken aback. Herc does the same bad Iolaus imitation he did before.
You really throw yourself into your work, don't you, boy?
(sniffs the air)
I've got to say, it's better than that cologne you were wearing. Very well. Carry on. Just... wash up before you come back in.
Fiducius nods, turns to walk off. Herc stays right where he is, smiling goofily. A big hog noses him.
Back off, porky.
Fiducius glances back. Herc waves. Fiducius turns away, shaking his head and muttering to himself as he moves on. Herc gets to his feet as he asks the pigs:
Whaddya think, guys? Did we fool him?
He glances from the hogs to himself, sniffs distastefully, then dunks his head into a trough and splashes about madly.
INT. KORA'S INN - DAY
Iolaus waits warily by the delivery window of the kitchen. Leonidas, the cook, sets down two plates.
Prometheus with his coat on! Feedbag on the side!
Iolaus yanks down his floppy hat, grabs the plates, sets them on the tray, then lifts it up high again, blocking his face. Kora steps up and watches him head across the room. Cheiron is having a drink of water as Iolaus scurries up, his head craned around away from the table. Iolaus somehow manages to set the plates down without looking around. Holding the tray up beside his head, he hurries off. As Iolaus returns to the counter, Kora grabs him.
What's going on? Why are you hiding from him?
Hiding? What makes you think I'm hiding?
A confused SHEPHERD turns from the hat rack, sees Iolaus and brightens.
Hey! My hat!
He whisks the floppy hat off Iolaus's head, jams it on, and exits.
Iolaus TAKES and ducks behind the counter. Frowning, Kora turns to see Cheiron holding up his empty glass.
More water, please.
She glances down at Iolaus, rolls her eyes, then picks up a pitcher of water and heads across the room.
INT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - SCROLL ROOM - DAY
His arms full of scrolls, Jason stands on tiptoe to jam one in a high shelf. As he turns away, the scroll and a dozen around it falls. They bounce off him, mainly off his head, and hit the ground, opening up. With a sigh, he drops his other scrolls, and bends to pick the fallen, opened scrolls back up.
He grabs the scroll and is rolling it up when something on it catches his eye. He unrolls it again, and is scanning it when he hears a NOISE. He hastily rolls it up and stands up, holding it tight. He turns just as Herc comes running in, soaking wet.
Don't scare me like that! Hey, what happened?
Okay, so I got to the pigpen, right? Then--
Ignoring him, Jason turns and gestures to the shelves.
Do you know what these are? Student records!
Jason bends down and quickly stacks the dozen dropped, open scrolls in his arms.
I just knocked over most of the 'F's.
Hercules bends down to help while giving a quick, anxious glance at the door.
I wouldn't mess with those if I were you...
Jason looks at the scroll as he loads up with them:
Ahh! Here we go!
Jason drops all the other scrolls as he brandishes the scroll triumphantly.
Pythias Fiducius! You know, as in 'back when my boy Pythias went here...'? Let's see if he was the hotshot Big Daddy says he was.
He starts unrolling the scroll. Herc runs toward him, hand out to stop him.
Jason! C'mon! Put it back!
Too late. Jason scans the scroll, then reacts, surprised.
Herc frowns, looks over Jason's shoulder.
(reads; a beat)
Whoa! Incompletes? Hey, he even got a suspension!
Jason lowers the scroll and glances at Herc.
So much for Mr. Perfect Cadet!
Herc takes the scroll for a closer look.
You know what else is weird? There's nothing in here about him graduating.
A hand reaches in between them and yanks the scroll away. Both boys turn to see Fiducius standing there, fuming.
That's because he didn't!
INT. KORA'S INN - DAY
Cheiron exits with a wave to Kora behind the counter.
As soon as Cheiron is gone, Kora reaches behind the counter and yanks Iolaus up into view.
So, uh, how'm I doing?
I'd say you're done.
She yanks his apron off over his head, practically taking his ears off. He blinks, his face falling.
You mean... I'm fired?
There's a pause... then Kora smiles and shakes her head.
Nah. I've just had enough entertainment for one day.
Iolaus beams, relieved... then holds out a hand.
Great. Hey! What about my pay?
It should just about cover your damages.
Kora jerks a thumb at the door.
Now beat it. See you next week.
With a broad smile, Iolaus crosses to the door, peers out, then runs like hell. Kora rolls her eyes and turns with a smile to a customer.
INT. CHEIRON'S ACADEMY - SCROLL ROOM - DAY
Fiducius stares at the boys, his face contorted with emotion. It's a tense moment. He looks down at his son's scroll... then starts to speak, as if to himself.
He was a good boy, once... a good student. Made me proud.
Jason opens his mouth, but Herc touches his arm, and he remains silent. Fiducius talks as if he's forgotten they're in the room.
But then he started getting into scrapes. Small ones at first... I went easy on him, I covered for him, let him get away with things.
He looks at the scroll again, then rolls it up roughly, as if he can't stand to read it.
He got wilder and wilder... uncontrollable. I didn't know what to do with him. One day, he just ran away.
For the first time, Fiducius looks at them. He's angry, but also pleading, as if trying to justify himself.
You wonder why I'm so hard on you boys?! I don't want the same thing to happen to you! I don't want to let you down... the way I did him.
He looks down. There's a moment of silence... and then Herc steps forward. He puts a hand on Fiducius' shoulder.
You can't take the blame for your son's mistakes. At some point you have to let him be responsible for himself.
A beat, then Fiducius looks up to him.
I wish I could. Perhaps when you have children of your own you'll understand.
I do know that I would be grateful to have a father who cared about me as much as you care about Pythias.
Fiducius looks at him... but before he can speak, Iolaus comes running breathlessly in. His eyes meet Fiducius'.
Sorry! I'll come back later!
Fiducius grabs him by the collar before he can take a step.
Fiducius! Wait! He had to leave! He's got a job!
We said we'd do his work for him!
Don't blame them! It was my fault!
So. How did things go today?
All turn to see Cheiron standing in the doorway. Fiducius lets go of Iolaus. He glances at the boys.
Not quite as I expected...
Fiducius looks from Cheiron to the boys, who are dying of suspense. If he's going to turn them in, this is his chance.
But they worked hard.
The guys can't believe their ears. Fiducius walks past Cheiron, pauses and looks back at the boys.
They're good boys.
With a last glance at them, Fiducius exits. Bemused, Cheiron looks from him to the boys.
Sometimes it's the teacher who learns the lesson.
Enjoy the rest of your day.
JASON/IOLAUS/HERCULES ad lib whoops. Cheiron turns to go, then turns back.
One more thing. Iolaus!
Cheiron flips a coin into the air. Iolaus catches it. Off his dumbfounded reaction, we: