Medea Culpa Transcript (Dialogue Only)

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Teaser

Iolaus: "Oh-h-h-h-- this is the life, huh?"

Jason: "You said it. I missed you guys."

Hercules: "Hmm. We should take trips like this more often."

Iolaus: "Yeah. No fighting warlords-- no slaying monsters."

Hercules: "No dinner if we don't catch something pretty soon." [They laugh.]

Jason: "Whoa! Looks like dinner's on me."

Hercules: "Don't be-- so sure about that."

Jason: "I'm sorry, Hercules. This river's not big enough for both of us."

Hercules: "Oh, yeah?"

Iolaus: "OK. The one who catches the biggest fish-- doesn't have to cook. Ah-ho-o-o-o-o!"

Jason: "All right!"

Iolaus: "Come on, Jason! Come on, here it comes."

Jason: "Yeah! Oh-h-h! Ah-ho-o-o-o! Would you look at that?! Drop your line. You don't have a chance!" [Laughs]

Hercules: "Uh-huh-- oop-oop!"

Iolaus: "Whoa! Holy mackerel! Huh! We can eat for week! Whoa! Whoa! Oh! Oh."

Hercules: "I'll, uh-- take mine extra crispy, please."

Jason: "Why do I bother?"

Hercules: "No idea." [Chuckles]

Iolaus: "Yeah-- a little competition never hurt anybody."

Jason: "Hmm."

Hercules: "I remember a time when it almost did."

Jason: "Medea."

Iolaus: "Aw, come on guys-- we were just kids!"

Jason: "Yeah, right-- lucky kids."

Hercules: "Lucky we were together."

Jeeves: "Your Highness-- presenting Hercules and Iolaus."

Young Iolaus: "Thank you, Jeeves."

Young Jason: "Ah, yes-- yes, good-- my court jester and my chef. Hercules, I'll be lunching in the west wing. And you-- why aren't you wearing your tights?"

Young Iolaus: "Listen to this guy. He's king for a season-- he thinks he owns this place."

Young Hercules: "He does."

Young Jason: "I do."

Young Iolaus: "Well, sounds to me like you could use a good kick in the royal highness."

Young Jason: "You and what army?" [They laugh.]

Young Iolaus: "Hey, buddy!"

Young Jason: "Hey, Hey! Ah-h-h! It's great to see you guys! It's lonely at the top!"

Young Iolaus: "Oh, yeah-- really-- breakfast in bed-- sponge baths-- I mean, poor guy."

Young Jason: "I spent the entire morning in a council meeting. They want me to impose a curfew for everyone under 18."

Young Iolaus: "Oh, so you told them to stuff it, right?"

Young Jason: "No, no, I think it's a good idea."

Young Hercules: "You're kidding, right?"

Young Jason: "No, the council's right. It can be dangerous after dark."

Young Hercules: "Would you say that if the curfew affected you?"

Young Iolaus: "Oh, here we go."

Young Jason: "Yes-- I would. What's your point?"

Young Hercules: "My point is-- that I think you're more interested in going along to _get_ along-- than doing the right thing."

Young Iolaus: "Oop-- there it is."

Young Jason: "Are you calling me a bad king?"

Young Hercules: "If the crown fits."

Young Iolaus: "Gentlemen-- I do believe there's only one way to settle this."

[Cheering]

Guys: "Move it! Move it!"

Girls: "Jason! Jason!"

Girl: "What's going on?"

Young Iolaus: "Uh, a difference of opinion! The winner of the race-- wins the argument!"

Girl: "Oh, I hope Jason wins! He is so cool!"

Young Jason: "Who-o-o-o! Ha-ha-ha-ha. Not a chance, Hercules!"

Young Hercules: "Come on! Yah!"

Young Jason: [Laughs]

Young Hercules: "Who do you think you are?! The king?!"

Young Jason: "Yah! Yah! I _am_ the king!"

Young Hercules: "Give it up, Jason!"

Young Jason: "You don't have a prayer!"

Young Hercules's Voice: "Hah!"

Young Jason: "I thought you were the son of Zeus, Hercules!"

Young Hercules: "Ah-h-h-h-h! Hah-h-h-h! Hah! Hah! Hah!"

Young Jason: "Yah! Yah!"

Young Hercules: "Ya feel that, King?! Hah! Yeah!"

Young Jason: "Who-o-o-o!"

Young Hercules: "Hercules is makin' a comeback! Who-o-o-o-o!"

Young Jason: "Come on! Come on!"

Young Hercules: "Faster! Yeah-h-h-h! [Laughs] Ha-ha! I gotcha! [Laughs]"

Young Jason: "Yeah! Yeah! Come on! Yeah! Yeah!"

Chloe: [Screams]

Young Hercules: "Are you OK?"

Chloe: "I think so."

Woman: "Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa!"

Girls: "Go, Jason!" "Go!"

Man's Voice: "Jason won!"

Chloe: "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get in the way."

Young Hercules: "Oh, I know you didn't. What's your name?"

Chloe: "Chloe."

Young Hercules: "Chloe-- where are your parents, Chloe?"

Chloe: "They're dead."

Young Iolaus: "Herc, what's up? I had money on you."

Young Hercules: "Not now, Iolaus. What happened?"

Chloe: "The Ghidra attacked my village. I'm the only one left."

Young Iolaus: "What's a Ghidra?"

Young Hercules: "It's one of Hera's little pets."

Young Iolaus: [Whistles]

Chloe: "Please don't make me go back there. Please."

Young Hercules: "It's OK. You're safe, now."

Chloe: "But it's still out there."

Young Hercules: "Not for long."

Act One

Young Iolaus: "So-- you think you're gonna kill the Ghidra-- huh? Herc, I thought you were enjoying life. Why do you wanna end it, now."

Young Hercules: "Iolaus, what happened to your sense of adventure?"

Young Iolaus: "It's alive and well, thank you-- and I, uh-- prefer to-- keep it that way."

Young Jason: "That was close. You all right? Yeah? Are you sure?"

Chloe: "Yes."

Young Jason: "Take her to the palce-- make sure she's all right."

Man's Voice: "Yah! Yo. Yah, yah!"

Young Hercules: "Looks like I'm gonna have to cut my visit short."

Young Jason: "Aw-w-w, don't be a sore loser-- ya just got here."

Young Iolaus: "No, no, no, no-- Hercules fancies himself as a bit of a monster slayer?"

Young Jason: "A monster?"

Young Iolaus: "Yeah-- Ghidra, no less."

Young Hercules: "You know, that girl's lucky to be alive. Her entire village was wiped out. If I don't do somethin', Corinth could be next."

Young Jason: "Well, that settle it. When do we leave?"

Young Hercules: "I was hopin' you'd say that. I wasn't exactly looking forward to facing this thing by myself."

Young Jason: "Oh-ho, you think I'm gonna let you take all the glory?" [Chuckles]

Young Iolaus: "What?! All right-- I'm in! All ya had to do was ask. Sheesh."

Young Jason: "So, uh-- where does this Ghidra live, anyway?"

Young Hercules: "Mt. Solayas-- it's all the way across the Arcadian Sea."

Young Iolaus: "Hey, guys-- I just thought of something. If we pull this off, we could get famous-- welcome in every town-- free food-- girls asking us to sign their naked flesh-- I could get used to that."

Young Hercules: "Well, leave it to you to find the bright side."

Young Jason: "Actually, Iolaus has a point-- might give you a chance to give your arm a rest."

Young Hercules: "What's that supposed to mean?"

Young Iolaus: "Hold on-- Jason-- I think you're underestimating my best pal, here. Hercules has the strength of twenty men. His arm doesn't _get_ tired."

Young Hercules: "Oh-- oh, you guys _kill_ me. Listen, I need to brag about all the women _I_ know, like some people do."

Young Jason: "Oh, wait a minute. Do I hear what I think I'm hearin'?"

Young Hercules: "An echo in your head?"

Young Jason: "You know what you sound like-- "

Young Iolaus and Young Jason: "-- a virgin!"

Young Iolaus: "Oh, well, wait a minute-- Hercules? No way! Are you?"

Young Hercules: "Guys-- what difference does it make?"

Young Jason: "Well-- I think that if you _weren't_ a virgin-- you would probably _know_."

Young Iolaus and Young Jason: [Laugh]: "Whoa!"

Young Hercules: "Look-- guys-- I mean, I may be old-fashioned, but-- I want my first time to be special-- I mean, with somebody I care about. Now, is that a problem for either of the two of you?"

Young Jason: "No!"

Young Iolaus: "No problem."

Young Jason: "No. No."

Young Iolaus: "This is great."

Young Jason: [Interrupts]: "Yeah, it's respectable."

Young Iolaus: [Interrupts]: "We need them in the world, you know?"

Young Jason: [Interrupts]: "It's classy. I wish I was one."

Young Iolaus: [Interrupts]: "I'd do it again if I could."

Young Jason: "Yeah."

Young Hercules: "Good."

Young Jason: "Whew-- what are you eatin'?"

Young Iolaus: "Sh, sh-- wait. It's a naked woman-- bathing-- naked."

Young Hercules: "How does he know?"

Young Iolaus: "It's a gift. Come on."

Young Jason's Voice: "I thought you said she was naked."

Young Iolaus's Voice: "She is naked-- under her clothes. Maybe she's lost."

Young Jason's Voice: "Maybe we should offer our services, huh?"

Young Hercules: "Congratulations, Iolaus, you were right. Can we go now?"

Young Jason: "We can't just leave her there."

Young Iolaus: "Yeah, this forest might be crawling with perverts."

Young Hercules: "Gee, do ya think?"

Young Jason: "We'll get a better look down there."

Young Hercules: "Guys. Guy-guys." [Sighs]

Young Jason: "Huh-- she was right here."

Young Hercules: "She must have seen us."

Young Jason: "Here-- gone-- "

Young Iolaus: "Where did she go?"

Medea: "She's right behind you. Let me guess-- you thought I was drowning."

Young Hercules: "Please don't hurt him."

Medea: "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't."

Young Hercules: "Well-- he's a little misguided, but-- basically harmless."

Young Iolaus: "Oh, gee-- thanks."

Medea: "You think invading a woman's privacy is harmless?"

Young Hercules: "I didn't mean that."

Medea: "Yeah, what _did_ you mean?"

Young Hercules: "That-- we're three morons who owe _you_ a big apology."

Young Iolaus: "Yeah. Miss, if you don't-- "

Medea: "Shut up! What are you boys doing here?"

Young Jason: "We're on our way to Mt. Solayas. We're gonna kill the Ghidra."

Medea: "Yeah, right."

Young Iolaus: "No, no. It's true."

Medea: "Shut up! You know, how do you boys expect to kill a monster when you can't even get past me?"

Young Iolaus: "She has got a point, guys."

Young Jason and Young Hercules: "Shut up."

Medea: "I think I'll come with you."

Young Hercules: "What, are you kidding?"

Medea: "Do I look like I'm kidding? Sounds like fun. I got nothin' better to do. Besides, you boys look like you could use a little help."

Young Hercules: "Tell you what-- take that knife away from my friend's throat-- it might be easier for us to come up with a decision."

Medea: "So-- what do you say?"

Young Iolaus: "Yeah."

Young Hercules: "By the way-- my name's Hercules."

Medea: "I'm Medea."

Young Hercules: "It's nice to meet you."

Medea: "You seem like a pretty decent guy, Hercules. What are you doing hanging out with those two cow tippers?"

Young Hercules: "Well, they're my friends. Trust them with my life."

Medea: "Honest _and_ loyal. Maybe it's not such a bad thing I ran into you after all."

Young Hercules: "What were you doin' out here all alone, anyway?"

Medea: "Please-- don't start with that ‘The-forest-is-no-place-for-a-woman' crap or I'll puke."

Young Hercules: "That's a pretty big chip on your shoulder."

Medea: "Let me guess-- you're just the guy to take it off."

Young Hercules: [Sighs]: "Just makin' conversation."

Medea: "It's OK. Let's just say my stepfather and I had slightly different opinions about the way a good daughter should behave-- so I left. What about you? Let me guess-- perfect home life-- you've got a dog and a cat-- your mother bakes-- and-- your father takes you fishing."

Young Hercules: "For what it's worth, I don't really see eye-to-eye with my father, either. In fact, I've never seen him."

Medea: "What? Is he like a travelling salesman or something?"

Young Hercules: "No, he's Zeus."

Medea: "You mean-- king of the gods."

Young Hercules: "You've heard of him?"

Medea: "Maybe you _do_ have the strength to lift that chip off my shoulder after all."

Young Iolaus: "Well, they seem to be hitting it off."

Young Jason: "Yeah, wonderful. I'm stuck back here with you."

Young Iolaus: "You know? Hercules is son of a god. You're king of Corinth. What about me? What do I got?"

Young Jason: "You got to have that body pressed up against you."

Young Iolaus: "She had a knife to my throat."

Young Jason: "Love hurts."

Woman's Voice: [Screams]

Young Jason: "That sounds like trouble."

Young Hercules: "Let's go."

[Fight]

Women's Voices: [Screams] "Don't hurt my baby!"

Man's Voice: "Out of my way!"

Young Jason: "Bandits!"

Young Iolaus: "Come on. Let's have some fun!"

Medea: "Nice throw."

Young Hercules: "I work out."

Medea: [Sighs]: "My hero."

Villager: "Thank you all."

A Man's Voice: [In Background]: "Are you all right?"

Villager: "It's not bad enough that the Ghidra destroyed our village. Now it's low-life scums like those-- they have to pick the ruins."

Young Jason: "Ghidra?"

Young Iolaus: "Here?"

Young Hercules: "We better get moving, guys."

Mother: [Wails]: "My-- my son!"

Man's Voice: "Oh, no."

Mother: "My boy! That monster crushed our house! Please do something!" [Cries]

Young Hercules: "I'm sorry."

Mother: "Oh, no-o-o-o-o-o-o!"

Medea: "Get out of the way."

Boy: [Coughs]

Man's Voice: "By the gods!"

Woman's Voice: "It's a miracle!"

Man's Voice: "She's a healer."

Woman's Voice: "How did she do it?"

Man's Voice: "I've never seen anything like it."

Mother: "Oh-ho! Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!" [Cries]

Young Iolaus: "Wow, that was like the coolest thing I've ever seen! Man, I wish you'd been around when my dog died."

Young Hercules: "How long have you been able to do that?"

Medea: "How long have you been juggling grown men?"

Young Hercules: "Ha-- I was born with it."

Medea: "That makes sense with you being the son of a god and all."

Young Jason: "Hey, uh, did-- did I mention that I'm the king-- of Corinth?"

Medea: "With me, it's different. Both my parents are mortal. I have no idea where my powers come from."

Young Jason: "Why do I get the feeling that we're not part of this conversation?"

Young Iolaus: "'Cause we're not?"

Young Jason: "Well, then-- let's-- leave these two gifted people to talk about how wonderful they are. We're gonna scout ahead-- if that's all right with you."

Medea: "I get the feeling your friend doesn't like me very much."

Young Hercules: "Ah, Jason? Nah, it's just his way. He'll warm up. He usually does for all the girls."

Medea: "Seems like a real charmer."

Young Hercules: "Tell you the truth, you're the first girl to come along who didn't think so."

Medea: "I take that as a compliment."

Young Hercules: "Can I ask you sum'in'?"

Medea: "Sure."

Young Hercules: "Don't you think your parents-- miss you?"

Medwa: "My mother, maybe. My stepfather can rot in Tartarus, for all I care. He was jealous of my powers, so he treated me like a freak. Made him feel like a big man to lock me up. Said he had to keep his eye on me-- and that was all when he _wasn't_ drunk."

Young Hercules: "Didn't your mother do anything to stop him?"

Medea: "No-- she was afraid of him. She had good reason to be."

Young Hercules: "Sorry."

Medea: "You know what's weird? Sometimes I wish that I had stayed-- you know? Stand up to him-- tell him what he did was wrong-- instead of running. Maybe it wouldn't have worked, but at least I would have known I tried."

Young Hercules: "Still can, ya know? If I had a chance to tell Zeus how _I_ feel-- I'd take it."

Medea: "I can't. I'm afraid of my stepfather."

Young Hercules: "You know, sometimes you have to face your fears to move on, Medea-- but you don't have to face them alone."

Young Iolaus: "Hercules! Uh! Long time-- . So-- she the one?"

Young Hercules: "It's not like that."

Young Jason: "Yeah, right."

Young Hercules: "Mt. Solayas is a night's journey by sea. We need a boat."

Young Iolaus: "That's not a problem. I know a guy."

Young Hercules's Voice: "Medea and I are gonna take a-- little detour."

Young Iolaus: "Oh, a detour, huh?"

Young Jason: "Wait a minute. Where are you goin'?"

Young Hercules: "She's just got some things she needs to take care of back home."

Young Iolaus: "Whoa-- meeting the parents. You big stud-muffin."

Young Jason: "Yeah, it figures."

Young Hercules: "What's your problem?"

Young Jason: "Well, it was your idea to slay the Ghidra, and now you're runnin' off with this girl that you hardly know."

Young Hercules: "It's not gonna slow us down, Jason. It's gonna take a while to find your guy, and by the time you're ready to leave, we'll be there."

Young Jason: "Fine. Fine-- whatever."

Medea: "Ready?"

Young Jason: "He's achin' for it. Trust me. See ya later."

Medea: "-- all right, maybe you could stay for dinner."

Young Hercules: "Well, thank you very much."

Medea: "That's my house. The Ghidra! [Cries] My mother!"

Young Hercules: "I'm so sorry."

Medea: [Crying]: "I'm such a coward! I should have stood up to him when I had the chance."

Young Hercules: "You had no idea this was gonna happen. It's not your fault."

Medea: "Yes it is. I should never have left her. I should have taken care of her."

Young Hercules: "You had to take care of yourself. You did the right thing. If you had been here, you'd have been killed, too."

Medea: "Look at me-- I'm crying."

Young Hercules: "You don't have to be so tough around me."

Young Hercules: "You OK?"

Medea: "Yeah. [Sighs] No-- I don't know. I know I'll feel better when we find that Ghidra and slice it open."

Young Hercules: "You'll get your chance."

Medea: "Thanks, Hercules. Thanks for everything."

Young Hercules: "I didn't do anything."

Medea: "Yes, you did. You gave me the strength to face the truth. And I could tell you really cared. No one has before."

Young Hercules: "Well, to tell you the truth-- I-- was a little afraid of you when we first met."

Medea: "The son of Zeus-- afraid of me?"

Young Hercules: "Sometimes, I get a little, uh-- tongue-tied-- around women."

Medea: "Uh-huh-- we'll have to see what we can do about that."

Young Iolaus: "Ah-h-h! Jason! You know _why_ the boat rocks back and forth?! So you don't have to! Now, cut it out!"

Young Jason: "Excuse me. Am I interrupting your beauty sleep?"

Old Sailor: "A-a-a-ah!"

Young Iolaus: "As a matter of fact, yeah! What is the matter with you?!"

Young Jason: [Sighs]: "I can't sleep. Is that a crime?"

Young Iolaus: "You know? You've been no fun this trip. It's like travelling with a rash. If you're gonna be like this for the rest of the night, go sleep up on deck."

Young Jason: "I'd love to, but, unfortunately, Mr. _Virtuous_ is up there-- losin' his virtuosity."

Young Iolaus: "Ah, so that's what this is all about. You're jealous."

Young Jason: "Ha-- I am _not_ jealous of Hercules."

Young Iolaus: "Yes, you are."

Young Jason: "What do I have to be jealous about? I'm the king of Corinth."

Young Iolaus: "We're not _in_ Corinth."

Young Jason: "Look-- I can have any girl in the land."

Young Iolaus: "We're on a _boat_. Look-- Hercules has always had the strength-- you've always had the girls. Tonight-- Hercules has the strength _and_ the girl. Need I say more?"

Young Jason: "No. No. I've heard enough. I'm gonna go sleep in the galley."

Young Iolaus: "Fine. Sleep in the galley."

A Sailor: "Hey!"

Young Hercules: "Whoa! Medea."

Medea: "What's wrong?"

Young Hercules: "Nothing. Uh-- I just think we're goin' a little fast."

Medea: "Don't you like me?"

Young Hercules: "Yeah. Yeah, I like you a lot. But we just met this morning."

Medea: "So?"

Young Hercules: "Y-y-you've been through a lot, today. And-- I don't think that _you're_ thinking clearly, and [Sighs]-- I feel I'd be takin' advantage of that."

Medea: "Trust me. You're not."

Young Hercules: "Medea! I'm serious."

Medea: "Ah, I feel really stupid."

Young Hercules: "No. No, look-- i-it's not you. I-it's me. I don't think we should be in such a hurry."

Medea: "Fine."

Young Hercules: "Medea-- "

Medea: "I'm tired. I'm going to sleep."

Young Hercules: "Excuse me, sir? Can you tell us the way to Mt. Solayas?"

Wharfmaster: "About half a day's hike west-- past the river. But I wouldn't go there if I were you."

Young Iolaus: "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-- Ghidra. Big and scary. We know. Thank you."

Young Jason: "Listen, why don't you get us some food for the trip. I'll fill the goatskins at the river and we'll meet there."

Medea: "Jason, wait up. I'll come with you."

Man's Voice: [In Background]: "No, that's all right-- "

Young Iolaus: "Whoa, what was that about?"

Young Hercules: [Sighs]: "I don't know. I think she's mad at me."

Young Iolaus: "What happened last night?"

Young Hercules: "Nothing."

Young Iolaus: What do you mean, ‘Nothing'?"

Young Hercules: "I mean nothing. Nothing happened. I think that's why she's mad at me."

Young Iolaus: "Weird. Hey, look-- I know we were teasing you earlier about being a virgin and all-- but if nothing happened last night, ‘cause _you_ didn't want it to-- then you did the right thing."

Young Hercules: "I know. I just-- I feel like we got-- a good thing goin' on here. I don't wanna mess it up."

Young Iolaus: "Listen-- buddy-- most guys are pigs-- including me. She's probably just not used to being around a gentleman. She'll come around."

Young Hercules: "Hope you're right."

Young Iolaus: "Let's go get some breakfast."

Medea: "Jason, let me ask you something. What's it like being a king at your age?"

Young Jason: "Well, it's not so bad. I learn as I go, I guess."

Medea: "Yeah, but don't you ever feel-- I don't know-- out of place? I mean, you're so young to be cooped up in a castle."

Young Jason: "Yeah, it's not like I have a choice."

Medea: "My point, exactly. I mean, most people your age are out-- having fun, doing crazy things-- falling in love."

Young Jason: "Yeah, like you and Hercules."

Medea: "What makes you think Hercules and I are in love?"

Young Jason: "Come on-- it's pretty obvious."

Medea: "If that's what you think-- then ya haven't been paying close attention. We're just friends."

Young Jason: "Just friends?"

Medea: "Yeah."

Young Jason: "You sure?"

Medea: "Very."

Young Hercules: "Jason! You bastard."

Act Three

Young Jason: "Hercules, wait! Hercules, hey! I can explain!"

Young Hercules: "Don't touch me! You sorry excuse for a king!"

Young Jason: "You're gonna regret that."

[Fight]

Young Iolaus's Voice: "Guys! Break it up!"

Medea: "Stop it! Come on!"

Young Iolaus: "Break it up!"

Medea: "Don't!"

Young Jason: "Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!"

Medea: "Who do you think you are?! Oh, come on-- you gonna hit me now, too?!"

Young Iolaus: "Jason. Jas-- you OK?"

Medea: "I didn't make you any promises. If you think you've got some kinda claim on me, think again."

Young Hercules: "I don't know what you think you're doing here, Medea, but I'll tell ya what-- I don't want _anything_ to do with _you_!"

Young Jason: "Hercules, I-- I didn't know."

Young Hercules: "I may be younger than you-- but I'm not stupid. No matter what she told you, you knew. How could you do that to me? And _you_-- "

Young Iolaus: "Where are you going?"

Young Hercules: "Go and finish what I've started."

Young Iolaus: "Hold on. Hold on."

Young Hercules: "Iolaus, there's nothin' to talk about."

Young Iolaus: "Well, I think there _is_."

Young Hercules: "Well, what do you wanna hear, man? That I'm stupid for thinkin' I was fallin' in love with her?"

Young Iolaus: "No! You took a chance-- you got burned! But that doesn't make you stupid!"

Young Hercules: "I thought Jason was my friend. I can't believe he did this."

Young Iolaus: "Look-- you feel the way you feel. I can't _blame_ you for it."

Young Hercules: "All right! So, what else do you wanna talk about?"

Young Iolaus: "OK-- OK-- I'm gonna tell you something-- and you're not gonna like it. Sometimes, it's hard to be your friend."

Young Hercules: "What?"

Young Iolaus: "Look, I'm no oracle. There are a lot of things I don't understand. But from the first day I met you-- I just _knew_ that you were destined for something the rest of us could only dream about! People like me-- and Jason-- normal people-- we'll be lucky if our names are even mentioned in the same _breath_ as yours. And that is not always easy to live with."

Young Hercules: "Why are you defending him? If you're gonna tell me that jealousy makes people do stupid things, you can forget it-- ‘cause that's no excuse."

Young Iolaus: "No, it's not-- "

Young Hercules: "Well, if I'm just so hard to be around, why don't you just leave?"

Young Iolaus: "'Cause I'm a better person for _knowing_ you. Hey, I used to be a thief! Remember? And yeah, Jason made a mistake-- a big one! But if you could just give him _half_ a chance-- you might be a better person for it, too."

Young Jason: "I am so stupid!"

Medea: "It's my fault, Jason. I-- I lied to you. Things weren't working out with Hercules and I didn't know how to let him down. I should never have kissed you."

Young Jason: "No, we're both to blame. Hercules and I have been friends for a long time. He was right. I knew how he felt about you. I can't let him fight the Ghidra alone."

Medea: "Wait. You're the last person he wants to see right now. Besides, we both know he can handle it. You're hurt. I can heal that."

Young Jason: [Interrupts]: "No. Don't-- please."

Medea: "At least, let me make a poultice. It's a really deep cut."

Hera's Voice: "Boys will be boys."

Medea: "Hera.

Hera: "Especially when a pretty face comes along."

Medea: "Killing my mother was never a part of our agreement."

Hera: "Our agreement is whatever I _say_ it is! And I did that for you. Your mother turned a blind eye, while your stepfather robbed you of your innocence. She deserved to die-- as much as he did."

Medea: "I hated her for letting it happen. But I never wanted her to die. I loved her."

Hera: "Never mind that. I'm the only one who can help you-- who can give you the power you want-- _true_ power-- to destroy any man who wrongs you."

Medea: "I did what you commanded. I split Jason and Hercules apart."

Hera: "But Jason still wants to help his friends! Only together can they stop the Ghidra! You must keep him here-- until Hercules is dead! Then you will have your reward!"

Young Hercules: "This looks like the place."

Young Iolaus: "Are you sure?"

Young Hercules: "Only one way to find out."

Young Hercules: "Yep-- this is it."

Young Iolaus: "I think I know that guy. Oop."

Young Hercules: "Hey."

Young Iolaus: "Maybe it's full."

Young Hercules: "Let's hope it doesn't snack between meals."

Young Iolaus: "You, uh-- you ever killed a monster before?"

Young Hercules: "Yeah. The snake, remember? Ares' cavern?"

Young Iolaus: "Maybe you should go first."

Young Hercules: "What, are you scared?"

Young Iolaus: "No. Yeah."

Young Hercules: "Me, too."

Young Jason: "I can't do this."

Medea: "What are you talking about?"

Young Jason: "I-I feel like I'm running away. And if I don't go back, I won't be able to live with myself."

Medea: "Jason, don't! You can't! He doesn't want your help!"

Young Jason: "He's my friend."

Hera: "Kill him, Medea! It's the only way."

Medea: "I can't."

Young Jason: "What's goin' on?"

Hera: "Kill him now-- or I will."

Medea: "It's Hera. Jason, run!"

Hera: "You stupid, stupid girl! I could have given you _real_ power! Let me show you what you're missing!"

Young Jason: [Screams]

Act Four

Young Iolaus: "So, where is it?"

Young Hercules: "How should I know?"

Young Iolaus: "Maybe we should have made an appointment. You didn't tell me it has two heads."

Young Hercules: "It slipped my mind."

Young Iolaus: "Anything else you forgot to mention?"

Young Hercules: "Yeah. The stinger on that tail-- it's instant death."

Young Iolaus: "Anything else?"

Young Hercules: "Yeah. It breathes fire, too. Duck!"

Young Iolaus: "Anything else?"

Young Hercules: "No, that's about it."

Young Jason: [Sighs]: "What happened?"

Medea: "You're all right, now."

Young Jason: "I don't understand."

Medea: "Come on. I'll explain on the way. Your friends need you."

Young Hercules: "You ready?"

Young Iolaus: "No."

Young Hercules: "Yes, you are. We gotta work together here."

[Fight]

Young Iolaus: [Yells]: "It's gonna blow!"

Young Hercules: "That's one tough Ghidra."

Young Iolaus: "Yeah, tell me about it. Whoo. Whoa!"

Young Hercules: "I think I made it angry."

Young Iolaus: "Ah, you didn't tell me it could do that."

Young Hercules: "I didn't _know_ it could do that."

Young Jason: "Ah-h-h-h!"

Young Hercules: "What are you doing here?"

Young Jason: "I came to help."

Young Hercules: "Why should I believe you?"

Young Iolaus: "I believe we could _use_ the help? See what I mean?! Whoa!"

Young Hercules: "OK-- you take the _right_ head. You take the _left_ head. I'm goin' up through the middle."

Young Jason: "Right."

Young Hercules: "Ready? Break!"

Young Iolaus: "Hey!"

Young Hercules: "The tail! Get the tail!"

Young Iolaus: "This is getting personal."

Young Jason: "Who-o-o-o-oa!"

Young Hercules: "I think it's going very well."

Young Iolaus: "We're gaining on him."

Young Hercules: "Jason. Stick the tail! Jason! Get it in the gut!"

Young Iolaus: "Yes! Yeah! Ooh! We bad! Ooh!"

Young Hercules: "Yeah, you bad, all right."

Medea: "I know I hurt you, Hercules. You're the first guy I ever trusted. You're decent. I just didn't realize that until it was too late."

Young Hercules: "Is that why you came back? To tell me you were sorry?"

Medea: "No, I came back because I care about you. And if you still feel anything at all for me-- try to forgive me."

Young Jason: "She's tellin' the truth, Hercules. Hera used Medea to turn us against each other."

Young Hercules: "Hera."

Hera: "Come now, Hercules! Did you think I would tolerate my husband's infidelity lightly?!"

Young Hercules: "That's between you and Zeus."

Hera: "No! _You're_ between us! But if you die a horrible death-- maybe he'll think _twice_ next time before his eyes start to wander! Before he fathers any more _half-mortal_ mongrels like you! And you, my poor girl-- I had _such_ high hopes for you-- but you shouldn't make promises you can't keep! That's a lesson _I'll_ have to teach you!"

Young Hercules: "Stay away from her!"

Medea: "There's nothing you can do."

Young Hercules: "No."

Medea: "I'm sorry."

Young Hercules: "Medea! [Echoes]"

Hera's Voice: [Laughs]: "I'll be seeing you, Hercules."

Young Hercules: "You can count on it."

Young Jason: "Hercules."

Young Iolaus: "Oh. I'll just-- be over there."

Young Jason: "I'm sorry. She was-- "

Young Hercules: "Yeah. I wanna thank you?"

Young Jason: "Thank me?"

Young Hercules: "For coming back. I couldn't have done it without you."

Young Jason: "Does this mean we're still friends?"

Young Hercules: "Even better than before. You comin'?"

Young Jason: "Right behind you."

Jason: "When did you _really_ forgive me?"

Hercules: "Last week." [They laugh.]

Iolaus: "Yeah. Well, I wasn't sure you guys would get over that."

Jason: "I guess we were both-- victims of Hera's vengeance."

Hercules: "No, I think-- Medea was the real victim. But her wounds ran so deep-- that we all felt them."