It's Greek to Me
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The following is an episode of the Young Hercules Fan Fiction Seasons, a non-profit virtual season project; written for fans by fans this is done to help keep the legacy of the short-lived television series Young Hercules alive on the Internet. The overall direction of the story that takes place in this virtual season may not be exactly what took place if an actual televised season had been produced.
(Iolaus pulls rubber bands from his pocket)
(Rubberband hits and awakes a sleeping Lilith)
WHOEVER THOUGHT DETENTION COULD BE THIS FUN
(Jason and Herc restrain Lilth from strangling Iolaus)
Hercules: "Shut up!"
(Lilith makes a gruesome face at Hercules)
(Chariot filled with leather-clad mean looking men)
Hercules: "The scary bad guy."
(Herc grabs reigns of another chariot)
(Bad Guys and Heros have a chariot race across grassy field)
DON'T MISS AN EVENT OF COMEDIC PORPORTIONS
(Jasons pants drop, making Lilith and Herc break into laughter)
Iolaus: "Yeah? Well Je n'apporte pas mon pantalons!"
(Herc, Lilith, and Jason give Iolaus a confused look)
ON THE NEXT YOUNG HERCULES
What the critics say:
"I laughed, I cried, I spilled juice on my good pants" (The Daily scroll)
"The parts I kinda looked at were pretty good" (Marketplace Journal)
"What story? You wrote a story?" (Mom)
"I'll get to reading it someday. I'm sure it was pretty good." (A guy named Harry)
"Hey, Boss!" The writer Thalia walked into Executive Producer Kent Simmon's office and plunked a pile of scrolls on his desk. "My story's done!"
"Good!" Simmons sat up in his chair. "What's the plot?"
"Plot?" Thalia scratched her head. "There's supposed to be a plot?"
"Well," Simmons picked up a pen to jot it down on a post-it-scroll, "what is the story about?"
"Umm... Young Hercules?"
"Yes," Simmons folded his hands, "but what's the point of the story?"
"Uhh..." Thalia scratched her head, "I don't think there is one. Was there supposed to be?"
Simmons sighed. "I guess we'll have to go with it." He took the scrolls and posted them up...
Hercules: The Son of Zeus
Iolaus: Love, Fighter, Lover
Jason: King of Corinth
Lilith: A Real Flat of a Gal
Euterpe: The Mad Muse
Tern O'Brien: The Ragin Red Head
& Medea (a.k.a. M.I.A.)
Kent Simmons: The Boss, and A Stud
Edited by Tern, The Spell-Caster of Correct Spells
It was a quiet day in the Academy. Hercules, Iolaus, Jason and Lilith all sat at a table in the empty cafeteria, having been sentenced to detention. Hercules tapped his foot while Jason twiddled his thumbs and Lilith used a toothpick like a mini sword. Iolaus had his hand hiding his face.
"Ow! Lilith, cut it out!" Jason rubbed where she'd poked him with the toothpick.
"It was Hercules!" she pointed.
Startled upon hearing his name, Herc woke up with a shot. "Wha...?"
"Just don't do it again!" Jason crossed his arms.
"I *told* you I... ewww! Iolaus, stop picking your nose!"
"What?" Iolaus looked up innocently.
"That's just plain gross. Between you fishing for monsters and Herc tapping his foot on the table, you're going to drive me insane!" Lilith sat back down in a huff.
It was quiet for the next few moments, minus the creaking from Jason's chair as he tipped it backwards as far as it would go without falling.
Iolaus decided to try it too. (WHUMP) "Ow!" He picked himself up off the floor.
The others stifled grins.
"Not funny!" Iolaus punched Hercules in the arm. Herc punched back a little too hard, sending Iolaus flying into Lilith.
They all got back in their seats, sitting silently. Slowly, they began to fidget again.
"Ow, stop it, Lilith!"
"Too too *too*!"
"Not not *not*!"
"Shut up!" Hercules exploded, standing. The three cadets stared at him, wide eyed. "Uh, I mean, um... sorry." Her sat back down, staring at the table.
Jason tipped his chair back, rocking it. It squeaked each time it went back and forth. In the silent room, the squeaking got louder.
Suddenly, (WHUMP) The chair flew back and Jason found himself sprawled across the floor. Iolaus and Lilith turned to Hercules, who was sliding his foot back under his chair, whistling and staring at the ceiling..
Jason got back in his seat, mumbling threats under his breath as Iolaus pulled some rubber bands from his pocket and began playing with them, wrapping them around his hands in various designs.
"Look, Phoenix's cradle!" He proudly held it up.
Lilith was starting to fall asleep when a rubber band smacked her in the side of the head. She whirled to face Iolaus, his eyes wide and his hands where they had been previously playing with the band.
"I... I didn't.. that was an..." He started.
Lilith leaped over the table to strangle him. Herc and Jason leaped to catch her.
"Help!" Iolaus cried, and Herc and Jason pried Lilith's fingers off his throat, sitting her back down in the chair.
They sat quietly for a few minutes, Lilith shot glares in Iolaus direction, who sank lower and lower into his chair. The tension grew thick.
"Where is that infernal clicking coming from?" Herc suddenly burst out. "Who put a clock in here?!"
"Clocks haven't been invented yet." Jason pointed out.
The foursome sat for a while longer.
"Iolaus, stop breathing so loud!" Lilith complained.
"Aw, leave me alone."
"You are tres vexant."
(translate - You are very annoying)
"Yeah? Well Je n'apporte pas mon pantalons!" Iolaus retorted.
(translate - I am not wearing my pants)
A while later, Jason was playing with a loose string on his pants while Lilith and Herc made faces at each other.
Iolaus' head was back and he was snoring loudly. A small trickle of drool slid down his cheek. Lilith made a gruesome face at Hercules.
"Hey you should keep it that way." Herc commented. "Looks better!"
Lilith leaped out of her chair, as did Hercules, and she began chasing him around the table.
"Get back here you $%^&@!" She growled.
"My, such language!" Herc ducked the other way.
Jason continued playing with the string from his pants. Suddenly, the string got caught in the top of Lilith's boot as she ran by.
"Hey!" Jason yelled, but she kept running after the fleeing Demigod.
"Get back here and fight like a man!" She yelled.
Jason tried to grab the string, but Lilith kept winding it around and around the table.
"What the Tartarus!" Jason realized the more the string was pulled, the more the strings in his pants came undone!
Hercules grabbed the snoozing Iolaus, pulling the chair in between he and Lilith. Lilith faked going left and ran to the right, chasing Hercules around and around Iolaus, dragging the string with her.
Finally, she leaped and tackled him.
"Gotcha!" She grinned. She looked up and gasped. Herc took the chance to shove her off of him, and soon spotted what she was looking at. Iolaus was still snoring, completely tied to the chair by the string from Jason's pants wound around him. Jason... wasn't wearing any pants.
"What are you doing?" Hercules tried to stifle a laugh.
"Don't look!" Jason yelled, trying to pull his unseamed pants back on, only managing to trip and fall to the floor.
Iolaus snorted and woke up. "Huh?" He looked around, realizing he was tied to the chair. "hey, get me outta here!" He started hopping around, only managing to overturn the chair and landing on his side, unable to get up.
Jason had managed to get his pants back in order and proceeded to staple them together. Hercules untied Iolaus and hey all sat back down. They sat in their chairs for the next fifteen minutes, fidgeting and glaring at each other.
Herc sniffed. "Do you smell burning?"
"Maybe Iolaus is trying to think again." Lilith glared in his direction.
"Yeah, well..." Iolaus sneered. "Um... uh ... and you're ugly!"
"No, I think I smell something on fire." Herc sniffed again. "I believe a foul crime is afoot!"
"Hey," Iolaus held up his hands. "I just took a bath. Tuesday. Of last week."
"Eww, gross!" Lilith scrunched her nose and shoved her chair away from him.
"Quickly, there is something bad happening offscreen!"
"So what do we do?"
"We run off screen!"
"Won't we get in trouble?"
Hercules shrugged. "Yeah. Despite the fact that we're going to risk certain death by going and saving the entire know universe from some sort of evil, we'll still get detention again."
The heroes quickly ran off screen. We now see an empty cafeteria.
"Psst." Iolaus whispered from off screen. "What do we do now?"
"Psst." Iolaus whispered from off screen. "What do we do now?"
"We have to wait until the next scene starts."
Minutes tick by. We are still looking at the empty cafeteria.
"Wanna play cards?"
"Can I see the..."
"Can I go in front of the camera and wave?"
"Just a little wave?"
"Come on, I just..."
A few minutes pass.
"Wamma guef whaf I haf im my mouf?"
The scene changes, Hercules, Iolaus, Jason and Lilith run to a big grass field outside the Academy.
"Where's the bad guys?" Iolaus looked around.
"They're coming." Hercules examined his fingernails.
"How can you tell?"
"That scary bad guy music is playing." Hercules jabbed his thumb to the sky.
"Ohhhh." Iolaus nodded.
"You still don't get it, do you?"
Herc sighed. "Hey looks, there they come!"
Off in the distance the heroes could see a chariot full of black-clothed men speeding towards them.
"Uh oh, now we need a handy just-so-happens-to-be-here chariot. Aha!" Hercules spotted one nearby. "Everyone hop in!"
The four cadets piled into the chariot. Hercules grabbed the reins, "Heeyah!" and the horses took off. Soon they were racing alongside the bad guy's chariot.
Hercules steered their chariot closer, ramming into the side of the other one.
"Hey watch it!" Thug #1 yelled. "This chariot's a rental!"
The high-speed chase continued as the heroes strove to catch the bandits.
"Gotcha!" Herc leaped onto the bad guys' chariot. He fought them, flinging them off one by one until they were all gone and he stopped the chariot.
He looked back to see that Lilith, Jason and Iolaus had been pulled over by a police chariot. "Speeding, no license, no scrolls for the chariot, reckless driving...tsk tsk tsk." The Officer shook his head as he jotted it down on a scroll. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket."
"Hercules!'" Yelled a voice. Hercules turned to see a young pretty girl running in his direction, screaming. She tripped and landed in Iolaus' arms.
"What's wrong?" Hercules asked. "Let her go, Iolaus."
"In the village... pandemonium! Turmoil! Really really bad stuff!"
"In Greek, please. Put her down Iolaus."
"There's chaos in the streets!"
Hercules nodded. "We'll help. Put her DOWN, Iolaus!"
"Fine." Pouting, Iolaus reluctantly let the female from his grasp and she ran back to where she had come from, still screaming.
"Shall we check it out?" Hercules looked towards Iolaus, Jason and Lilith.
They sighed. "Fine, we'll go and risk out lives again while you get all the credit."
"Ok, let's go!" The foursome set off in that direction. When they reached the town a strange sight met their eyes. A giant mass of people crowded around one tiny store, pushing and shoving and threatening bodily harm. One woman ran away, screaming "I got one!" and ran off, holding something clutched in her hand before three others tackled her and tried to wrestle it away. Hercules intervened and threw the other people off of her.
"Thank you!" She breathed.
"What did they want?" He asked.
"This!" The woman held up a stuffed animal in the shape of a dragon. "It's a Beanie Bacchae, the new craze!"
Hercules looked at it. "That's what all this fuss is about? These things?" He reached out to touch it, but the woman grabbed his arm and flipped him to the ground. "DON'T TOUCH!" She yelled in a menacing voice before stalking away muttering something about 'mint condition'.
Hercules lay on the ground for a moment before the others helped him to his feet.
"What was that about?" Jason scratched his head.
Herc shrugged. "You got me! Let's check it out." The four heroes tried to push their way through the crowd, the feat proved quite difficult. Elbows, fists, feet and teeth found their way to their ribs, stomachs, heads and ears.
"Excuse me... ow!"
"Hey! Watch it!"
"Ah! That was my..."
After several minutes of pushing and shoving, the heroes made their way to the front. In front of them stood a counter piled with bean-filled stuffed animals in the shapes of hydras, dragons, centaurs, satyrs and more.
"Look at this one!" One of the venders held up one shaped like a Phoenix. "This is the rare 'Birdy' beanie bacchae, worth many dinars!"
Iolaus' eyes lit up. "Many dinars? Just what is this whole thing about?"
"It's a beanie bacchae craze!" The woman smiled, taking dinars from a customer and putting one in their outstretched hands. "These little critters are not only cute, but they get retired every month and become worth money! You can sell them to other collectors for a pretty dinar." The heroes exchanged glances. That didn't sound too bad. A few extra dinars never hurt.
"I guess I'll take one." Hercules dug in his pocket for dinars.
"Me too!" The other three chorused, fishing through their pockets.
"Ya know," Jason turned his basilisk over in his hand, "they're kinda cute."
"Yeah!" Lilith cuddled her gryphon. "Mine will be worth the most!"
"No, mine will!" Herc held up his sea creature.
"Mine's the best" Iolaus shook his head, protecting his Hydra.
"That thing is stupid looking." Hercules scoffed.
"Two heads are better than one!" Iolaus stuck out his tongue.
"Hey look, they're selling a werewolf! That's a rare one!" Jason pointed.
The foursome exchanged glances before sprinting towards the table, climbing over each other.
"I got it!" Iolaus yelled, holding it up in the air.
"Oh no you don't!" Lilith grabbed it from him.
"It's mine!" Jason grabbed it and they began to wrestle for it.
"They've got the werewolf!" Someone in the crowd cried. Dozens of people leaped on them and everyone kicked and bit and fought.
After a while, everyone lay on the ground, bruised and battered. They stood up and walked away, leaving the stand empty except for the heroes.
Iolaus looked around. "Where did everyone go?"
The shopkeeper from the stand dusted off his table. "Haven't you heard? The beanie bacchae fad is over. Now 'Pokey-mon' are in!" He held up a flat stone with a turtle engraved in it. "These little guys fight each other, it's a collector's item! This card is 'slowpokey-mon', he's special, worth more dinars than the others. We've only got one left, which one of you wants it?"
The heroes looked one another in the eye before leaping towards the table...
AEDEM & NEIRB'O NRET
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