Inn Trouble Transcript (Dialogue Only)

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Inn Trouble

This is a transcript of the dialogue of the episode Inn Trouble, as aired, transcribed by Bryn.


Hercules, Iolaus, and Jason: Food! And fun! And food! And fun! And food! And fun!

Hercules: Mmmm, real food. I can smell it already.

Jason: Hey, man? You're not criticizing the academy's fine menu, are you?

Iolaus: Hercules? Jason? I, Iolaus, will race you.

Hercules: Yeah!

Hercules, Iolaus, and Jason: Food! And fun! And food! And fun! And food! And fun!

Jason: What's the deal?

Iolaus: It's closed.

Jason: It can't be closed! It's never closed!

Iolaus: But I'm hungry!

Jason: You're always hungry. The side window.

Iolaus: Yeah.

Jason and Iolaus: Aw, Kora. There you are. Hi. The door-

Iolaus: Whoa. She totally slammed the windows on us.

Jason: I know. I was standing right here.


Hercules: Hi.

Kora: Hey.

Hercules: Um, so, why are you closing up on the busiest day of the week?

Kora: It's Artemis. Her harvest offering's been stolen. It's the food for her temple at Delos.

Hercules: Ah, so?

Kora: I kinda owe her a favor. I've got to help find it.

Hercules: You know Artemis? Goddess of the hunt and the harvest? That Artemis?

Kora: Hercules, please, I can't tell you any more. You could do me a favor, though.

Hercules: Yeah. Anything.

Kora: Well, the food for next week is supposed to be delivered today? Could you stop by and unload it, put it in the back for me?

Hercules: Sure. But you know, it's really not fair for Artemis to mess up your business.

Kora: Yeah, well... gods don't ususally worry about what's fair.

Hercules: Uh, hey! I got an idea.

Jason: I think Hercules musta gone around the side.

Iolaus: Hey, Jason. Be honest. Do you think Kora likes Hercules more than me?

Jason: Yeah, probably. Everybody does. Hey... tell you what. I'll race you to the back?

Iolaus: Okay.

Jason: Yeah.

Hercules: Uh, well, h-hi there, guys. Kora's leaving to help her friend, Artemis, find her stolen food offering, and uh, I told Kora that, uh, we were gonna look after the place when she goes, you know? So, um, just-just as a favor, free of charge.

Iolaus: Uh, so long as we get to keep the tips, right?

Kora: You know what? Maybe this isn't such a good idea. I mean, it's a lot of responsibility.

Hercules: Aw, no, no, listen, all we learn at the academy is responsibility.

Jason: Yeah, if something goes wrong, Iolaus is responsible.

Iolaus: Ah, you're just jealous 'cause I have food service experience. Huh?

Jason: Hey, half the reason people come to a banquet is the entertainment. I learned this when I was eight years old from a court jester. Hmm?

Hercules: Oh. Oh. Yeah.

Kora: Hmmmm.

Hercules: You know, after all the other stuff we do at the academy, looking after this inn? Child's play, all right?

Kora: 'Child's play' - good choice of words.

Hercules: Yeah.

Kora: Mm-hmm.

Iolaus: Whoa! Oh, man.

Kora: Okay, look. Make sure they wash their hands, okay?

Hercules: Okay.


Strife: Three young men left in charge of an inn... a formula for fun? Or a recipe for... disaster? A comedy in the making? Or a tragedy waiting to happen?

Discord: Why don't you try a mask with its mouth closed?

Strife: Hey, I'm trying to create some dramatic tension. Don't make me tense.

Discord: This isn't gonna be dramatic, Strife. It's gonna be fun. Well, for us anyway.

Strife: What about Hercules and his pals?

Discord: You mean my beloved half-brother and his dearest friends? Tragic.

Act One

Strife: I mean, what's Hercules doing, running a place like this, anyway? Is he in with the in-crowd, or what?

Discord: The innkeeper's a devotee of Artemis. She's probably out looking for that offering we stole.

Strife: What do you mean, 'We', kemo sabe? It was all your idea. Oh-ho! I'm just practicing! In case Artemis finds out that we stole it.

Discord: If she finds out, it'll be because you can't keep your mouth shut! Ooh. I've just had an idea. We've been wondering what to do with that food. What if we brought it here? Hercules might accidentally serve it to one of his customers.

Strife: And Artemis would think that he stole it. Oh, and he has such an honest face. You sure he's related to you? Ooh!


Iolaus: Hey, uh, Jason. That chicken salad's a real hit.

Jason: Yeah!

Iolaus: What're you cooking now?

Jason: Chicken salad.

Iolaus: Well, what about those three orders for shepherd's pie?

Jason: Well, they'll have to eat something else.

Iolaus: Well, they don't want something else. They're shepherds. Now, start whipping up some pies.

Jason: Ah, I don't know how to make shepherd's pie.

Iolaus: I thought you said you could cook!

Jason: I can cook! Chicken salad.

Hercules: Whoa, whoa, hey! You two wanna settle down, now? We've got lots of customers out there.


'Woman's Voice: Hey, hey!

Hercules: Oh, hello there. I'm Hercules, and I will be your waiter for this evening.

Soldier #1: What's that in your hair?

Hercules: Oh, uh, chicken salad. Specialty of the house.

Soldier #1: Looks good.

Hercules: Oh, yes.

Soldier #2: Yeah, I'll take that, too.

Hercules: Yes, you will.

Discord: Thank you for your contribution.

Girl's Voice: Iolaus.

Iolaus: Hi. Hey.

Shepherds: Hey.

Iolaus: Uh, small problem with your shepherd's pie.

Shepherd #1: Well, what-what kind of problem?

Iolaus: We don't have any.

Shepherd #1: Yeah, that's a problem. Um, that's okay. I sort of feel like soup.

Iolaus: Uh, no, you don't.

Shepherd #2: Uh, say, this broiled fish looks good.

Iolaus: No, it doesn't.

Shepherd #3: Maybe the lark's tongue with anchovy relish.

Iolaus: You'd be tasting lark's tongue all night.

Shepherd #1: Well, what can we get?

Iolaus: Three more chicken salads. Whoa!


Strife: Well, I got Artemis's chow. What now?

Discord: So now you find the satyr, Silenus, and invite him to dinner. Him... and his whole band. My treat.

Strife: Hmmm... this much money, you could corrupt a-a village of mortals. It's a shame to waste it on the crowd that Silenus runs with. Half of them aren't even satyrs! Groupies! Satyr wannabes!

Discord: Just bring them here... and make sure they're hungry.

Strife: Make sure they're hungry.


Hercules: So? Can I get you gentlemen anything else?

Iolaus: Uh, we don't have anything else.

Hercules: Oh, can I get you the bill? Huh? There it is. Oh. Uh, thank you.

Discord: The little guy's stolen everyone's money.

Soldier 01: That little punk's stolen our money!

Hercules: Well, all things considered, I don't think it's going that badly, huh?

Jason: Oh, I don't either. Hmmm. See, I told Iolaus, 'Don't add the tip to the bill.'

Hercules: Iolaus!

Iolaus: Are they gone?

Jason: What was that all about?

Iolaus: I don't know. All I do know is they left without paying.

Hercules: Hey. Listen, Kora said she was getting some food delivered. This must be it.

Jason: Well, let's get it inside.

Hercules: All right.

Iolaus: Oh, uh, guys? Do you wanna get me out of here? I... think I'm sitting on a... pineapple. Whoa!


Lilith: Ha-ha-ha! Yeah!

Satyrs' Voices: Food! Food! Food! Food! Food! Food! Food!

Iolaus: I smell goat.

Hercules: Silenus. He never comes out of the forest.

Iolaus: Yeah, I bet he's a lousy tipper.

Customer: Oh, that smell!

Hercules: Now, wait a second. No... Don't...

Jason: Don't play with that.

Iolaus: You know what? Don't do that with that table.

Jason: It's a place of business, here!

Hercules: Listen, we -

Jason: You see -

Iolaus: You're gonna hurt someone.

Hercules's Voice: No, wait, wait. Not the drums!

Jason and Iolaus: Whoa.

Iolaus: Wow.

Jason: Ah, that's gonna be expensive.


Discord: Just think what Artemis will do when she finds out that Hercules sold her offering to Silenus and his gang.

Strife: Yeah... maybe she'll forget he's protected by Zeus. He'll make a nice pincushion.

Discord: Don't be greedy, Strife. Artemis won't take his life. She'll just make it miserable.


Iolaus: Sorry. Oh, I'm sorry about that. Oh!

Strife: I've had this for years. Hoo-hoo! Never had a chance to use it.

Silenus: Next time, you serve Silenus first!

Iolaus: The big guy with the hooves goes first. Got it.

Silenus: Maybe you don't like to serve satyrs in here? Is that it?

Iolaus: What? No, come on. We love satyrs here. Really. In fact, did I tell ya I used to have a pet goat?

Silenus: I had a pet human.

Iolaus: Ahh.


Iolaus: Whoa. It's getting kind of crazy out there. Is the food ready yet?

Jason: No, I haven't put the parsley on.

Iolaus: Parsley?

Jason: Yeah, parsley. It's this little green garnish, and it makes it look festive.

Iolaus: Hey, Silenus is a big, hairy, smelly goat who likes to eat trees. He doesn't care about parsley!

Hercules: Come on, come on, come on! Gosh. It's almost a shame to waste food like this on Silenus, don't you think? I mean, look at this. An apple like this usually ends up as an offering at some temple, you know?

Jason: Well, then, I won't waste it on Silenus.

Hercules: W-wait a second. What if this is the food that Kora's searching for? Whoa.

Artemis: That food belongs to me!

Jason: Nice call.

Artemis: If a single bite of it is eaten, if one piece of fruit is bruised, you will pay for it with your lives.

Act Two

Hercules: Artemis! We didn't know that this food belongs to you. You can't punish us for something we didn't know!

Jason: Maybe she can.


Jason: You can't eat that!

Iolaus: Ooh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Is this about the parsley, Jason?

Jason: No!

Hercules: Whoa, hold on, okay, this isn't ordinary food, Silenus, okay? It's Artemis's food. Just give it to me. Just give it. Just give it.

Discord: They don't serve satyrs.

Silenus: They don't serve satyrs? They don't serve satyrs?!

Hercules: Shh! Shh! Shh! Shhhhhhhh!

Thugs: Huh?

Discord: What can I say? It's a gift.

Silenus: Tear this place apart!

Hercules: Get the food!

Iolaus: Okay!

Jason: Grapes!

Iolaus: Herc!

Hercules: Huh?

Iolaus: Toss the bread!

Jason: Oh! I got it! I got it! I got it! I'm going to get it! I got it! I got it! I got it! I got it!

Strife: Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Hercules: Whoa! Whoa! Hey! Hey! Don't you break that bread!

Strife: Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Unbelievable! Like it! Like it! Love it!

Iolaus: Whoa! Oh!

Hercules: Nice move.

Jason: Where's the orange?

Hercules: Whoa. No! No! Nooooo! Iolaus, get the orange!

Iolaus: I got it!

Hercules: Oh! Well, we did it, huh?

Jason: Um, we, uh, might wanna try to reason with Silenus again here.

Hercules: Uh, ah, Strife and Discord. I shoulda known. Ah, uh, oh! Uh, fall down and die.

Iolaus: What?

Hercules: Fall down and die.

Iolaus: Well, shouldn't we put up a fight?

Hercules: Die.

Iolaus: Ohhhhh!

Silenus: Huh?

Iolaus: Ohhhhhh!

Hercules: He's come down with it! Oh! Iolaus!

Jason: Me too?

Hercules: Yeah.

Jason: Oh-oh, me! Oh-oh!

Hercules: Jason too! Oh! Oh! Oh! Why do you always take the youngest ones? Oh! He only handled it! He didn't even eat it!

Silenus: What are you talking about?

Hercules: If you eat that food, you'll get sick. Haven't you heard of hoof and mouth disease?

Silenus: Let's blow this joint!


Strife: I took the liberty of getting the money back off Silenus. Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee. Ka-ching! I mean, why waste a-

Discord: Those satyrs really can move, huh? Too bad you didn't.

Strife: Good thing they weren't centaurs. Hey! Centaurs! Maybe we could bring a herd of them into the inn.

Hercules: Hercules won't sell the food now that he knows it belongs to Artemis. We'll just have to think of some way to convince her that Hercules stole it! Hello?! Hello?! Did a hoof hit you in the head or what?

Strife: Eh!

Discord: Artemis.

Artemis: It was you who stole my harvest offering!

Strife: Discord?

Discord: Gotta go!

Artemis: You can't escape me!


Iolaus: Maybe Kora was planning on redecorating, huh?

Jason: The worst part is, we haven't had a customer yet who's actually paid.

Hercules: You know, uh, being an innkeeper's not as easy as I thought.

Jason: Yeah, this is gonna cost us...

Hercules: Uh, Artemis, now, now, we didn't steal your offering, okay? We were tricked by Strife and Discord. Tricked!

Artemis: The thieves have been punished. I'm here to take what's mine, and to reward you.

Hercules: Hey... hey, the food's gone.

Jason: Yeah, but she left that.

Iolaus: It's our reward.

Hercules: Wh-wh-whoa. It's about the size of Strife's head, so...

Iolaus: Oh. Okay, well, I don't deserve a reward. Here you go, Herc.

Hercules: Okay.

Jason: Wha? That's a melon!

Hercules: Well, i-it's-it's the thought that counts, right? Huh?

Iolaus: Ahhh.


Kora: Hey.

Hercules: Oh, hi. Uh, how was your trip?

Kora: Uh... I-I didn't think anyone would still be here. It's dawn.

Hercules: Uh, well, uh, we kinda had a-a late night, but, uh, sorry to say, that's all we have to show for it.

Kora: It's a melon.

Hercules: Uh, yeah. It's a gift from Artemis. You know, uh, it turned out that Strife and Discord stole that food and we helped her find it, and...

Kora: ...she gave you a...

Hercules and Kora: ...a melon.

Hercules: Yeah.

Kora: Okay.

Jason: She's laughing. Good.

Iolaus: Yeah. He musta told her how much we took in last night.

Jason: No, then she'd be crying.

Kora: Look, it's okay, guys. Thanks for helping, okay? I think.

Iolaus: How about a hug?

Kora: Mmmm, no.

Iolaus: No? Okay.

Kora: How about some breakfast instead?

Iolaus: Yeah, I could eat.

Hercules: Yeah, as long as it's not chicken salad.

Jason: Hey!

Kora: How about some fresh melon?

Boys: Whoa!

Jason: It's a money melon!