Home for the Holidays Transcript (Dialogue Only)

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Home for the Holidays

This is a transcript of the dialogue of the episode Home for the Holidays, as aired, transcribed by Bryn.


Iolaus: Aw, man, am I glad to get out of there for a few days!

Jason: Absolootle! Can't stand being stuck in school when everyone else is home for the holidays!

Lilith: Hey Hercules, are you sure your mom won't mind that you invited us all along?

Hercules: My mother loves company, all right? Hey listen, wait until you guys get ahold of this Thracian casserole, she cooks it in this goat's stomach. Uh, forgetta 'bout it!

Jason: The Feast of Persephone is my favorite holiday, because I get to have big heaping delicious stacks of fish and feta popovers! Ha ha ha!

Hercules: Yeah, we don't usually have those.

Jason: What? Are you crazy? We have fish and feta popovers at the palace all the time! It's a tradition!

Lilith: Uh, Jason? Have you ever had to cook those?

Jason: No.

Lilith: Your hands stink for a week.

Hercules: Well. Hmm.


Lilith: So, Iolaus. What holiday traditions does your family have?

Iolaus: Ah, you know. Same old, same old.

Hercules: Don't worry, Jason, okay? We are gonna have the wild boar roast...

Jason: It's not exactly a fish and feta popover, now is it, Hercules?

Iolaus: Awww...

Hercules: I said I was sorry about that. Hey look, there's my mom.

Alcmene: Hello everyone!

Lilith: Hey Hercules? Could I go on the boar hunt with you guys?

Hercules: Oh, no, Lilith! No! This is my job! I am the man of the house, you know?

Iolaus: Uh, at least you were.

Lilith: Hercules, who is that?

Act One

Alcmene: Welcome everyone.

Jason: Hey, Alcmene. Thanks for having us.

Alcmene: Iolaus, welcome.

Iolaus: Hey, Alcmene!

Alcmene: You must be Lilith.

Lilith: Hi. I hope I'm not intruding.

Alcmene: Not at all. The bigger the crowd, the better the feast. Hello Hercules.

Hercules: Hi. Uh, who's this?

Alcmene: Everyone. I'd like to introduce Capaneus. He's a good friend, and I'm happy he could join us.

Jason: How ya doing?

Capaneus: Hi.

Iolaus: Hey.

Capaneus: How are ya? Hercules. Lilith.

Alcmene: Boys, we seem to have a full house, so I'm afraid you'll have to sleep in the barn.

Jason: Haha, 'the barn'. That's good.

Iolaus: Cool. Cool. To the barn.

Jason: To the barn.

Alcmene: Uh, Lilith, you can have Hercules's old room.

Lilith: Oh, no, the barn's okay for me too. Hercules can have his room.

Alcmene: Don't be silly, he insists. Don't you, Hercules?

Hercules: Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah. Go ahead.

Lilith: Okay. Thanks.

Hercules: Yeah.

Alcmene: And now! Uh, we need more... firewood.

Hercules: I'll get it.

Capaneus: No, no. You're a guest. Relax. I got it.

Hercules: Well. He's right at home here.

Capaneus: You're in your mother's house, Hercules. Let's just get ready for the feast.

Alcmene: Hercules, I...


Jason: Ohhhh... Oh, hey, I call the loft! Looks comfy!

Iolaus: Okay.

Jason: You're not going to argue with me?

Iolaus: Listen, Jase, uh... My family, we never... I mean... We never... Look, what I'm trying to say here is, I don't know anything about this whole feast business.

Jason: Oh.

Iolaus: Could you fill me in on the traditions and stuff? I don't want to look like a complete fool.

Jason: Well, that's going to be impossible.

Iolaus: No, come on man, I'm being serious.

Jason: Of course. I'll help ya. Later. Right now, gotta check out the sweet loft.

Iolaus: Well, I guess I'll just sleep over here. ...or maybe I'll just sleep over there. That looks nice. Heh.


Hercules: I'd like to talk to you.

Alcmene: Thought you would.

Hercules: Who is he?

Alcmene: I met Capaneus in the marketplace.

Hercules: At the marketplace.

Alcmene: I needed help with the planting, and he needed work, so...

Hercules: He's a hired hand.

Alcmene: No. He's a friend.

Hercules: Now you're buying your friends at the marketplace?

Alcmene: Don't forget who you're talking to, young man.

Hercules: I know you're my mom, but I think I deserve to know what's going on around here. It's just that, you're alone out here, and there are men who would take advantage of that. What do you know about this guy anyways?

Alcmene: I know... he's good, and kind. He makes me laugh.

Hercules: I don't trust him.

Alcmene: I expect you to be nice to him.

Hercules: Why? Planting season's done, right? He'll move on, and I'll never have to see him again.

Alcmene: You may see him more often than you think.

Hercules: I want him out of here.

Alcmene: I'm sorry, Hercules, but this is my house. I decide who stays, or who goes.

Hercules: I want him out of here!

Alcmene: We should talk about this later, when you've had a chance to calm down.


Jason: It's traditional for you to leave a few peas on your plate in the shape of a star for Persephone to take back to Hades with her in the fall.

Iolaus: Uch. Well, if you say so.

Jason: And you have to eat at least one stalk of asparagus.

Iolaus: Aw, you're kidding, right?

Jason: Eh, it's an insult if you don't.

Iolaus: Aw, but I hate asparagus.

Capaneus: Head's up!

Jason: Hey-y-y-y! Let's play some ball!

Iolaus: Ah, shouldn't we be helping out in the kitchen or something?

Jason: Iolaus. Sports come first.

Iolaus: Huh. Now that should be a tradition.

Capaneus: What about you, son? Join us?

Hercules: Oh, heh. I'm not your son.

Capaneus: Come on. Him and me against you two.

Hercules: Sure. Love to.


Lilith: You all right?

Alcmene: You heard.

Lilith: Oh, I didn't mean to pry.

Alcmene: Oh, you didn't.

Lilith: Don't worry about Hercules. He'll be okay. He'll come around.

Alcmene: I hope so. Um, would you mind very much giving me a hand in the kitchen?

Lilith: Okay. Yeah, sure.


Jason: You guys take it out from the barn. Hope you like losing.

Iolaus: Come on, Herc, head's up!

Hercules: All right. Go long!

Iolaus: Herc, I'm open!

Jason: I got Iolaus! Aah!

Iolaus: Oh! Ouch. Hey! Come here!

Jason: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Whoa!

Iolaus: Come here!

Jason: Ha-ha-ha. BAM!

Iolaus: That's not fair.

Jason: Ha-ha!


Iolaus: Head's up!

Jason: Whoa-oa!

Alcmene: You know your way around a kitchen.

Lilith: Thanks.

Alcmene: But you'd rather be out there.

Iolaus: Ow! Ow!

Lilith: I was raised by my sister. I wanted to be a warrior! But she trained me up to be a good little wife. Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't...

Alcmene: Don't worry, dear. Sometimes, it doesn't hurt to be a bit of both.

Hercules: I'm sorry, I though you wanted to play.

Capaneus: That's right. Play. Not fight.

Hercules: Oh, is that too rough for you?

Capaneus: Oh, I can handle it.

Hercules: Oh, you think I can't?

Jason: Hey, hey guys. Save it for the game. Save it for the game!

Hercules: That's it. Come on! Come on!


Jason: It's a game! Take it easy! Calm down.

Hercules: I'm all right.

Alcmene: Hercules! Hercules.

Hercules: Come here, I-

Alcmene: You will remain in my house, you'll stop this right now.

Hercules: If he can't take it, he shouldn't play. All right?

Alcmene: You're acting like a child.

Capaneus: I may have started it. I, uh, tackled him kinda hard.

Alcmene: There's a lot of energy being wasted out here that could be better spent on a boar hunt. That is if we want a main course tonight.

Hercules and Capaneus: I'll go.

Alcmene: Well, I think that's a wonderful idea.

Lilith: Here, Hercules. For you, Capaneus. Hm, there.

Hercules: Ma-

Lilith: Hmm.

Iolaus: Go.

Jason: My money's on the boar.


Iolaus: Ohh! Mmmh. How are you supposed to cut this stuff without slicing yourself to ribbons?

Lilith: Heh heh heh. Come on, here, I'll show you. What a mess! Okay. You hold it at an angle and cut it away from you.

Iolaus: Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait-wait-wait! I-I didn't get that. Do that again?

Lilith: Or you can pretend it's hanging in front of a shop and you gotta cut it down real quick before the owner sees you.

Iolaus: Oh. Well, I can do that.

Lilith: Boys.

Iolaus: You didn't tell me about this tradition.

Jason: It's a new one on me.

Iolaus: Uhh!

Lilith: Come on, you guys. You are pathetic!

Iolaus: Yeah, well. I wouldn't want to see you on a boar hunt.

Lilith: Oh no?


Capaneus: Let's stop a second. No sign of the boars today. Here, want some water? Better drink. Look, I know you're upset. Your mother and I have been concerned about how to tell you about this.

Hercules: Oh, I don't want to talk about this, all right?

Capaneus: Look. I have feelings for your mother and I believe she has feelings for me. You can't just walk away from it!

Hercules: Leave me and my mother alone.

Act Two

Capaneus: Some boar hunters we are, huh?

Hercules: Need a hand?

Capaneus: We'd better go after it. Your mother will skin us if we come back empty-handed.


Hercules: You tell her.

Capaneus: She's your mother.

Hercules: So that's where he went!

Capaneus: Looks like someone got him first.

Hercules: Yeah. Come on.


Capaneus: So, who caught the boar?

Hercules: Jason or Iolaus?

Lilith: We did.

Jason: While we peeled potatoes.

Iolaus: I cut asparagus.

Alcmene: We thought you two would be too busy butting heads to hunt one down.

Capaneus: Well, congratulations!


Hercules: Hey.

Iolaus: Hey.

Hercules: Wha?

Iolaus: What's your problem?

Hercules: You just don't get it, do you? That's my mom in there, all right? My mom.

Iolaus: Yeah, yeah. I get it. It's your mom. In that nice house, cooking you a hot meal, waiting for you to wise up and get back in there.

Hercules: Whatever.

Iolaus: Oh. Well. You wanna trade places? Huh? 'Cause I'd have a mom like that any day. You know, and if she happened to find someone that made her happy, then that's fine with me, because I want her to be happy. You big dope. You know, uh... some of us never had it this good.


Capaneus: That should do it.

Iolaus: Ah, look at that, huh? Who said we couldn't cook?

Jason: Yeah. But you know what we're missing? Fi...Fish and feta popovers?!?!

Alcmene: Lilith made them. I didn't know how.

Jason: Pal!

Hercules: Well, everything smells wonderful, huh?

Iolaus: So, where is Lilith, anyway?

Alcmene: She's coming.

Lilith: Here I am! ...what? What are you staring at?

Iolaus: N-nothing. Well, you! You're a girl!

Lilith: Alcmene lent me this dress.

Alcmene: You look lovely.

Lilith: Um, can we just eat?

Alcmene: Oh, I forgot the bread. I'll be right back.

Hercules: Excuse me.


Hercules: Hi. Uh, well, I-I haven't really been very understanding about things lately.

Alcmene: No, Hercules, you haven't.

Hercules: But the thing is, I just want what's best for you, you know? And you're the best judge of that, I realize that. What I'm trying to say is that whatever makes you happy, makes me happy. Okay?

Alcmene: Thank you, son.

Hercules: Okay. Now, do you want me to take this?

Alcmene: Sure.

Hercules: Okay.


Alcmene: Iolaus, would you like some asparagus?

Iolaus: Heh, no. Ahh! I mean, I would love some asparagus. Thank you. Some wonderful asparagus.

Hercules: I'd like to propose a toast. To the boys, for helping prepare this beautiful dinner. And to the ladies for bringing home the bacon. And to whatever or whoever makes you happy. Oh, and, uh, to Lilith. Wow. Let's eat, all right?

Jason: Bottom's up!

Lilith: Here, here!

Hercules: Jason? Do you think that any of us can have a fish and feta popover?

Jason: Oh, all right.


Capaneus: I'll miss you.

Alcmene: Good morning.

Hercules: Good morning. It's not because of me, is it?

Alcmene: Don't give yourself so much credit. No, it was my choice. I wasn't ready. Besides, he'll be back in six months to help with the harvest. Hercules, you're my son! He's never going to replace you in my heart. No one can.

Hercules: I know that. It's just, uh... I forgot for a little while. Sorry.

Alcmene: You know, I don't think Iolaus likes my cooking? He only had one stalk of asparagus and left several peas on his plate.

Hercules: I think that was the best feast ever.