Herc and Seek Transcript (Dialogue Only)

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Herc and Seek

This is a transcript of the dialogue of the episode Herc and Seek, as aired, transcribed by Bryn.


Hercules: You're sure you have enough food to feed all the cadets?

Kora: You're not going to get rowdy, are you?

Jason: Us? Rowdy? Nah, we're model citizens.

Iolaus: And, uh - we still get a group discount, all right?

Kora: Is Cheiron gonna be here?

Hercules: Maybe.

Iolaus: Yeah.

Jason: No.

Lilith: Uh... we don't know yet.

Kora: Well, I'm gonna need at least one responsible adult here.

Hercules: Uh... just give us a second?

Jason: Who do we got?

Iolaus: Fiducius. He's the only one around.

Iolaus: Come on. He's the world's biggest party-pooper.

Jason: Well, that automatically qualifies him as an adult.

Hercules: All right. It's settled, then.

Lilith: We'll bring Fiducius.

Kora: Fine. You gonna be helping out, Curly?

Iolaus: Oh, I'm gonna be-

Jason: If he says yes, does that have any bearing on our deal?

Kora: Well, I'll need a larger security deposit.

Hercules: I'm telling you guys, this is gonna be a day that we will never, ever forget.

Neolun: The boss is right. This couldn't be easier. While the toy soldiers are here partying, we'll be at the academy, stealing all the tuition money.


Boy's Voice: Hey, guys. How are ya?

Fiducius: This seems like an awful lot for food.

Hercules: We made a deal for thirty-six dinars. That's good.

Fiducius: Thirty-seven. No, not thirty-seven... where was I? Um, twe-twenty...

Hercles, Iolaus, Jason, and Lilith: Twenty-four.

Fiducius: I'll have to start over. One.


Neolun: Okay, boss. Everyone's in position.

Cratus: Good. Nobody moves until I give the signal.


Fiducius: Ten.

Jason: This is gonna take forever.

Fiducius: Eleven.

Hercules: Lilith, listen, can you go tell the others to start for Kora's? We'll meet 'em there, all right?

Lilith: Okay.

Fiducius: Twelve.

Hercules: Thank you. Iolaus, just, uh...

Fiducius: Thirteen.

Hercules: ...keep Fiducius counting, all right? And whatever you do...

Fiducius: Fourteen.

Hercules: ...don't let him start over, again. Okay?

Fiducius: Fifteen.

Jason: Let's get the rest of the survival kits we hid in the stables.

Fiducius: Sixteen.

Hercules: All right.

Fiducius: Seventeen.

Iolaus: Eighteen. Eighteen.


Lilith: Okay, guys, listen up. You go ahead to Kora's. We'll see you there.

Boy's Voice: Let's go! All right!

Cratus: Oh, we didn't mean to startle you. We're looking for a friend of ours. Iolaus?

Lilith: He's inside. I'll get him for you.

Cratus: Oh, no. Oh, we'd much rather this were a surprise.

Hercules: Whoa, whoa.

Jason: Who are those guys?


Fiducius: Twenty-two.

Cratus' Voice: Hello?

Fiducius: I better see who that is.

Iolaus: Ah, no, no, no! You keep counting. Twenty-two.

Fiducius: Twenty... three.

Iolaus: Cratus.

Cratus: Iolaus, old buddy.

Iolaus: Hey, how you doing?

Cratus: Good.

Iolaus: Keeping out of trouble?

Cratus: Hmm, of course.

Iolaus: So, um... so, what're you doin here?

Cratus: Call it... a reunion... of the old gang.

Iolaus: Huh?

Lilith: Iolaus? What's up with your friends?

Cratus: Meletus, saddle up their horses.

Meletus: Yes, Cratus.

Cratus: We'll be leaving soon.


Hercules: The Lowacks. They're the most dangerous gang of thieves around. Iolaus used to run with them.

Jason: Well, what are they doing here? There's nothing to steal here. There's just...

Jason and Hercules: Tuition money.

Hercules: Of course. Cheiron's back at his village. We're supposed to be at Kora's with the cadets.

Jason: They're stealing our money. Let's take 'em!

Hercules: Whoa, hold on a second. Listen, you're forgetting, we still got Lilith and Iolaus in there? We push these guys too far... we don't know what they'll do.

Jason: I'll run after the cadets, send one to get the magistrate, and come back with the rest.

Hercules: All right. Perfect. I'll stall 'em.

Jason: How're you gonna do that? You're all alone.

Hercules: Yeah, well.. they don't know that. Listen, good luck.

Act One

Meletus: Ah, this medallion's gotta be worth something.


Cratus: Tie them up and gag 'em.

Lilith: What? What are you talking-

Iolaus: Cratus, what are you doing?! These are my friends!

Cratus: Oh, what a shame. I thought we were your friends. Tie up Iolaus, too.


Hercules: Bye-bye.


Cratus: The horses! You stay here with the money! Bring him with us!


Neolun: Meletus! What're you doing?!

Cratus: I got it covered. By the time the magistrate gets here, we'll be long gone.

Iolaus: Did you plan on them?

Neolun: Boss, let's get out of here.

Cratus: Not without the money. They're just a bunch 'a wannabe warriors. Inside! Now! Move it!

Jason: Spread out!


Cratus: Post somebody at every opening!

Neolun: Okay.

Cratus: Move!

Neolun: Cover every opening! Go! Go! Move!


Iolaus: Hey, uh, you do know that bunch of wannabe warriors is led by Jason. Jason, as in the crown-prince-of-Corinth- Jason?

Neolun: Boss, maybe we should talk this over.

Cratus: No. Jason, can you hear me? I got hostages in here. If you don't want any of them hurt, you won't do anything foolish.

Eager Cadet: We should attack now, before they fortify their positions!

Jason: No-- we can't afford to rush in. All right! We're not coming in!

Cratus: No tricks. Stay where we can see you.


Neolun: This was supposed to be easy! Hit the academy while the students were at Kora's!

Iolaus: And now, you're trapped in here.

Cratus: Stay cool. We just leave a little later than planned.

Neolun: Oh, and how're we suppossed to do that?

Cratus: I'm working on it. Okay. Post Guillen as a lookout. He's our best archer. Take the girl to the dining hall. Put the old man in the dorm. He stays with me.


Thieves: Get in there. Get another gag. Quiet.


Jason: What'd you see?

Eager Cadet: Just what you thought. They're moving the hostages to different rooms.

Jason: Ahh-- smart move. Makes it impossible to rush ‘em. We wait. Hurry up, Hercules.


Iolaus: What's the matter? Your plan falling apart?

Neolun: Why don't you keep quiet?

Cratus: How about you tell your buddies out there to let us take the money and leave? So that way, nobody gets hurt.

Iolaus: Well, how about you just leave?

Cratus: How about you help us? Come on. You must have snuck out of this dump plenty'a times.

Iolaus: Now, why would I help you?

Cratus: Remember Dorfus?

Iolaus: Yeah, he beat me up for a whole week. I remember him.

Cratus: Till I showed you how to keep him from picking on you. I was there for you when your old man wasn't.

Iolaus: Yeah, and I thank you for that. So, why are you being a jerk now?

Cratus: Well, the way I see it, I'm the reason they gave you the choice between going to jail and joining the academy.

Iolaus: Ah, they couldn't prove anything.

Cratus: That's because I didn't talk. So I figure, you owe me. We need a guide outta here.

Iolaus: They are not just gonna let you walk outta here.

Cratus: We're waiting until it's dark, and then we're sneaking out. And you're leading us. I'm gonna check on the others. Make him comfortable.

Iolaus: Hercules?

Hercules: Hi. Sh-sh-sh. Sh-sh. Listen. Over there.

Iolaus: I've got a point?

Hercules: No. There.

Iolaus: I gotta p-? You gotta point?

Neolun: Huh?

Iolaus: Uh... you've got a point. You know, you gotta leave when it's... dark, so, uh... so they won't... see you.

Hercules: Sh. Listen to me. The chest.

Iolaus: Oh, the chest. okay, okay.

Hercules: Get them to walk away. Walk away.

Iolaus: Uh, I'm-I'm walking.

Hercules: No, no, not you. Not you.

Iolaus: We're walking a-away. Walking... walking away?

Neolun: What?

Iolaus: Uh, y-you'll be walking away, you know... wh-when you've got the money, y-you'll, uh... be walking... away.

Hercules: Get out the back.

Iolaus: Uh-uh.

Hercules: Out the back.

Iolaus: I got something on my back?

Hercules: No, not your back. The back.

Iolaus: You got something on your back?

Hercules: No, not my back. The back.

Iolaus: You've got through... through the back? Oh, through the back!

Cratus: Through the back what?

Iolaus: Uh, yeah, yeah... I was just thinking out loud. You know, uh... ways to help your plan?

Cratus: I knew you'd come around.

Iolaus: And I was thinking, if you, uh... want to dig an opening in the back wall, then I could... show you where to do it. You know, if you promise no one gets hurt.

Cratus: Well, you've got my word.

Iolaus: Okay.

Cratus: For now.

Neolun: I know you, Cratus. There's more to your plan than just crawling out the back when it's dark.

Cratus: Did I forget to tell you about the fire? Oh, just a little diversion to keep the cadets busy. We'll get a few of the boys to spread a little lamp oil around.

Act Two

Iolaus: You know, I'm not sure, but I think... it's over here. Yeah. No? Huh. Okay, uh... well, maybe it's over here somewhere.

Neolun: This better be the place. Or the next hole we dig is gonna be for you.

Iolaus: It's over there.


Jason: We're losing the sun. Hercules, where are you?

Neolun: Boss. why don't we divvy up the money now? That way, we can travel faster.

Iolaus: Oh, no, no, no! I think you should keep it together! I think your chances are much better-

Neolun: But you're not even in the gang, anymore! Remember?

Cratus: Where's the money?

Iolaus: I don't know. Maybe you should check Neolun's pockets!

Neolun: I've heard all I can stand from your smart mouth!

Nezzas: A little lamp oil, a torch, and before you know it, the barbecue begins.

Hercules: Shhh! Hi.

Lilith: Hi. I'll free Fiducius.

Hercules: No, no, no, no, listen. Go find Jason. Tell him they're gonna set a fire out the back to cover their escape, Okay? And listen, don't do anything until I give you the signal.

Lilith: Well, what's the signal?

Nezzas: Help! Intruder!

Hercules: Go. Go!

Nezzas: Help!


Cratus: That's Nezzas. Come on!


Neolun: She's disappeared!

Cratus: Just like the money. Someone's sneaking around in here.

Nezus: It was a cadet.

Cratus: And you knew about it all along! So that's why you led us out of the room.

Iolaus: So you guys ready to give up? Huh? I mean, you don't have the money, right?

Cratus: We still got the old guy. And you.


Cratus: Whoever you are, your little game is up! We have the old guy! If you don't want him hurt, you'll bring us the money, now!

Neolun: Hey, that's not the old guy.


Cratus: The hostages are gettin' away! Guillen, stop them!

Iolaus: Yeah!

Lilith: Come on!

Jason's Voice: This way! Over here!

Cratus: No lily-livered dirtbag of a cadet is gonna ruin my plan.

Neolun: Great! Let me turn this worm into bait.

Cratus: Not yet. Hey, mystery man? How about a trade? Iolaus's life for the money.

Hercules's Voice: Over here - catch me if you can!


Fiducius: Can't we wait till Cheiron gets back?

Lilith: We don't have time. Now, Hercules said he's gonna set up a fire to cover the escape out the back.

Fiducius: Oh, dear, the academy!

Jason: Where's Iolaus?

Lilith: He's still inside. Hercules said to wait for the signal.

Jason: What's the signal?

Lilith: He didn't have time to say.

Jason: Be prepared to attack on my order. Stay alert!


Cratus: Find the money. It's gotta be in a bag somewhere. You left us for this? Schoolbooks and playing warrior.

Iolaus: Yeah, I know. How could I be so dumb? Just think of all the old ladies I coulda robbed if I'd stayed with you.

Cratus: Bigshot cadet. Who's the little old lady now?

Neolun: No money!

Cratus: Wise guy! I guess you want to watch your friend fry! Get the oil! You should have told your friend that I mean what I say. Your aching body'll be our safe ticket out of here.

Iolaus: Oh, come on, Cratus, you're not gonna hurt me... are you?

Cratus: Nezzas. Get the torch.

Nezzas: Sure, boss.

Cratus: Time for Plan B. We won't wait till it gets dark. Neolun - you and the others guard the back, and cover us while we get this little barbecue going.

Neolun: Right.

Cratus: Let's see if that friend of yours cares much about a fellow cadet.


Fiducius: They're gonna burn the academy!

Jason: That must be the signal.

Lilith: Yeah.

Jason: Let's go! Come on!


Cratus: Torch it.

Hercules-in-Disguise: I don't think so.

Cratus: What'd you say? Hercules! You're the one who's been running around in here!

Hercules: Well. Looks like Plan B didn't work out as you had hoped, huh?

Neolun: Yeah, it did!

Iolaus: Hercules - you got this figured out, right?

Hercules: Oh, yeah, yeah.

Cratus: Get him.

Iolaus: Uh, whoa. Uh...

Cratus: Not so tough now, mighty Hercules.

Iolaus: Herc, you wanna make this a short fight? Huh?

Jason: Wow!

Iolaus: Herc. Herc, come on! Any time, Herc!

Hercules: Hey.

Iolaus: Hey.

Hercules: How you doing?

Iolaus: Uh, good.

Hercules: Good.

Iolaus: Uh, you wanna cut me loose?

Hercules: Oh, yeah. Good idea.

Iolaus: Ready?

Hercules: Ready.

Iolaus and Hercules: Go!

Cadets' Voices: Quickly! Put out the fire! Grab water! Quickly!

Jason: All right, lowlife! Call off your playmates! Do it!

Cratus: Okay! Enough! Iolaus. You owe me. Get me out of this.

Iolaus: Uh, Cratus... you taught me how to steal, helped me out for a while. But that was a long time ago. I don't owe you a thing.

Jason: Get 'em out of here!

Cratus: Cadets.

Fiducius: The tuition money! Where'd they take it?

Iolaus: Well, I don't know. You better ask, uh, 'Mr. Cadet' over here.

Hercules: Come here. Here's your real hero.

Jason: Well, I guess that dummy's got a heart of gold.

Fiducius: Shall I take that?

Hercules: Oh, I don't know, Fiducius. I think I should. Oh, yeah, I should count this out for the party.

Iolaus: Hey, uh, Jason...

Jason: Take care of this.

Iolaus: Hey!