Girl Trouble Transcript (Dialogue Only)

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Girl Trouble

This is a transcript of the dialogue of the episode Girl Trouble, as aired, transcribed by Bryn.


Sailor: Raise the rigging!

Zared: No one double-crosses me! Throw him in the hold!

Traitor: No! Please! Please, sir! No! No! Please! I beg you! Please!

Zared: Looks like our cargo won't be needing dinner tonight!


Jason: Oh... uck, what is it?

Hercules: Your guess is as good as mine.

Jason: That's it. I'm not eating. I'm going on a hunger strike.

Iolaus: You gonna eat that? Hmm. You know, you picked a really bad time to go on a hunger strike with the harvest festival coming up.

Jason: All you can eat? All weekend long? No, thank you.

Hercules: Don't worry about it, Jason. Cheiron promised us a new cook, remember? That's right.

Jason: There she is.

Hercules: A girl in the academy?

Iolaus: A babe. Who can cook.

Jason: Aw... I've died and gone to the Elysian Fields.

Iolaus: No. No, wait! No! I saw her first!

Jason: You were busy stuffing your face!

Iolaus: Huh? I'll show you how to stuff your face! Come on!

Hercules: Guys, guys, guys, guys. Listen, are we really gonna fight over a beautiful woman, huh?

Jason and Iolaus: Yes!

Hercules: A-a-all right then, gentlemen - and I use the term so very loosely - there's only one way to settle this.


Iolaus: Okay. Through the arch, off the ladder, over the roof, off the well, off the wall, down the steps... nothing but pigpen.

Jason: It'll never happen... but good luck.

Arcus: Whoa! Oh!

Hercules: Uh, guys, he's out cold. Somebody get some water, all right?

Jason: Nice work, Iolaus.

Iolaus: Hey, it wasn't my fault. That guy stepped right into it.

Hercules: Listen, you gonna be okay, buddy? You all right?

Arcus: Yeah.

Hercules: Yeah?

Iolaus: Hey, never mind that. Just get him on his feet before Cheiron sees us. I mean, the last thing we want is old 'Mr. Pearls of wisdom'. 'Look, you boys look silly with that ball-' He's behind me, isn't he? Hey.

Cheiron: You all right, Arcus?

Arcus: Yeah. Sure. No problem.

Cheiron: Looks like I've lost a messenger. Which means... you boys are going to Athens.

Iolaus: Athens? What's in Athens?

Cheiron: Find us a new cook.

Hercules: Uh, a c- uh, oh... well, we thought that, you know, a, ah... well, if Arcus was gonna go find the cook, then, uh.. who's she?

Lilith: I'm Lilith.

Cheiron: Gentlemen, meet our newest cadet.

Iolaus: Ha-ha! What?! Aw, come on, she's... she's...

Lilith: What?

Iolaus: She's... gonna be just fine.

Lilith: So. You cadets always use messengers for target practice?

Iolaus: You know? There's no need for us all to miss the harvest festival. Later. Hey, uh, no, I was... I was... let's go.

Act One

Hercules's Voice: We are missing the entire harvest festival 'cause we're stuck looking for a cook.

Iolaus's Voice: What? Like this is all my fault.

Jason's Voice: You knocked out the messenger.

Iolaus's Voice: Not on purpose.

Jason: There's gotta be a decent cook closer than Athens.

Iolaus: Yeah. Hey, Herc, Zeus must know some pretty decent cooks. Why don't you just get him to zap one down here?

Jason: Aye!

Hercules: I don't even talk to my father, never mind ask him for favors.

Jason: It's gonna take a week to walk to Athens and back.

Iolaus: Yeah, well, the shooting contest wasn't my idea.

Hercules: Hey. What was I supposed to do, huh? You two were about to deck each other over our new classmate.

Jason: How could we know she was a cadet?

Iolaus: Yeah, she didn't look like a cadet.

Jason: Whoever heard of a girl cadet?

Iolaus: Yeah, exactly. Girls are supposed to be sweet and gentle.

Jason: Why is that? Is that all you can handle?

Hercules: That's assuming he can even get a date.

Iolaus: Hey, I got an idea.

Hercules: Huh? Oh, not again.

Iolaus: Look. Let's hire a boat. We'll get to Athens in no time. And, it'll give us a chance to, uh... check out the sights... if you catch my drift.

Hercules: We can't afford a boat.

Iolaus: Who needs money? I'll just turn on the old Iolaus charm.


Hercules: The old Iolaus charm, huh?

Iolaus: What? We're on a boat. We're headed towards Athens-- aren't we?

Jason: By the time we get there, we're gonna be too tired to do anything.

Iolaus: Eh.

Jason: How you doing?

Iolaus: Good.

Hercules: You thirsty?

Iolaus: What?

Hercules: Huh?

Zared: That's enough!

Jason: Who died and made you captain?

Zared: The name's Zared. If you want to stay on board my boat, you'll do your work, stay out of my way. And never get near my cargo.

Hercules: Whatever.

Iolaus: Friendly guy.

Jason: What a freak.


Jason: Hey! Hey!

Iolaus: What? Oh, right, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hercules: Iolaus, what's your problem?

Iolaus: What do you think? I wanna know what's in that cargo hold. Whoa, whoa, whoa, look.

Hercules: Listen, I know what you're thinking, Iolaus, okay? Just forget it.

Iolaus: Aw, come on, Herc. Aren't you just a little bit curious to find out what's in there?

Jason: Sure he is. So am I. But you heard Zared. Keep your nose out of there.

Hercules: Jason's right, all right? Rules are rules. Iolaus.

Iolaus: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Rules are rules.


Hercules: Iolaus? Iolaus! Jason. He's going for the cargo. Iolaus!

Zared: My cargo! Thieves! Stop them!

Iolaus: Whoa!

Hercules: Iolaus! Get the barrel. I'll get the swords.

Jason: We have to get Iolaus.

Hercules: Amazons.

Act Two

Jason: What have you Amazons done with Iolaus?

Iolaus: Ah, not enough, if you ask me.

Hercules: Iolaus! You okay?

Iolaus: Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

Jason: I thought they were supposed to be man-haters.

Hercules: Yeah.

Iolaus: Yeah, well, they don't hurt good-looking men.

Cyane: We don't hurt boys, or he'd be in chains already. My name's Cyane, leader of the Telaquire Amazon nation.

Hercules: Oh. I'm Hercules.

Jason: Um, Jason.

Iolaus: Um, Iolaus. We, uh, we-we met.

Jason: Hey, you're the cargo Zared plans to take to Athens.

Hercules: People should not be cargo.

Cyane: My sisters and I plan to take over this ship. You'll either help us or go down with the rest.

Hercules: Well. Kind of sounds like an order to me.

Cyane: It is. I'm in charge here.

Hercules: Oh, well, with all due respect, with those chains around your ankles, you're not much match for Zared's men. You're gonna need our help.

Cyane: Okay. So you can join us. But if we find that you've deceived us, I'll feed you to the sharks.

Iolaus: Oh, gee, that's fair.

Jason: We gotta find a way to get those chains off.

Hercules: Yeah. If only we had the key.

Iolaus: Mmm.

Hercules: Wait a second.

Iolaus: Whoa. Hey. Whoa! Come on!

Jason: Come on!

Iolaus: That tickles!

Hercules: Ah.

Iolaus: Oh, right. That's what you wanted.

Hercules: We'll unlock the Amazons, and we'll attack in the morning.

Iolaus: Morning, huh?

Hercules: Yeah.

Iolaus: Well, it looks like someone's got a busy night ahead. Hi, I'm Iolaus.

Hercules: Three, two, one.

Iolaus: Ooh! Feisty! I can work with that.


Man's Voice: Lights out! All lights out! Lights out!

Cyane: I don't bite.

Hercules: I know. I just wanted, uh, to let you go first.

Cyane: You've never seen an Amazon, before, huh?

Hercules: Well, no, but I've heard things.

Cyane: That we're thieves and murderers, and baby-snatchers. We hate all men and corrupt all women, right?

Hercules: Uh-huh. Is it true?

Cyane: No. Thousands of years ago, all the men in our village were wiped out in a single battle. From then on, our ancestors knew that our women needed to be strong. So, as for men, we just... learned to live without them.

Hercules: What about your male children?

Cyane: Oh, they're returned to their fathers. The girls stay here with us and are raised as Amazons. Although, I only speak for the Telaquire Amazons - my tribe.

Hercules: There's more of you?

Cyane: Yeah, twelve in all. We were separated during the great war with the Centaurs. And one day we do hope to reunite.

Hercules: I've heard Centaurs talk about that war.

Cyane: You have Centaur friends.

Hercules: Well, yeah.

Cyane: Well, that explains your hatred of the Amazons, then.

Hercules: Whoa, no, no. See, uh... I don't hate anybody.

Hercules: So. You haven't told me how Zared captured you.

Cyane: He didn't. We were tricked by a god.

Hercules: Which god?

Cyane: The cruelest of them all. Zeus.

Hercules: Are you sure?

Cyane: Zeus told us to leave our land, and when we refused, he took us by force, turning us over to Zared.

Hercules: Well. That's impossible.

Cyane: That's the truth.

Hercules: Zeus doesn't harm innocent people.

Cyane: You're naive, Hercules. Look, I used to think that the gods of Olympus were fair and just. Now, I know that they do things out of hatred and spite. I'm sorry. These have been difficult days.

Hercules: It's okay. I know a little bit about how hard the gods can be.


Men's Voices: Sound the morning call! Get to work! Land ho!

Cyane: All right. Let's break through the hatch door.

Hercules: Whoa, listen to me. Now, you do that, and you'll have all of Zared's men out there wating for you.

Cyane: Oh, you got a better idea?

Hercules: I think so. We're gonna need the help of someone sneaky. Someone underhanded. Somebody conniving.

Iolaus: I'll take that as a compliment.


Iolaus: Oh! Oh! We've sprung a leak! Oh, help us! Help us! We're taking on water!

Sailor: Well, go help!

Iolaus: We're all gonna drown! We're all gonna die!

Sailor: Gotta do something! Quick! Open the hold!

Iolaus: Hold me! Oh, no! Help us! We're sinking! Oh! Oh! It's-- oh! Oh. Uh-oh.

Hercules: Okay. Anytime, ladies, anytime! Iolaus! Duck!

Zared: Fools! Get them! Use your bows!

Hercules: Cyane!

Cyane: Yes!

Zared: If I stop the leader, I win the war. Goodbye, Amazon Queen.

Cyane: Nice catch.

Hercules: It was okay.

Cyane: Not bad... for a boy.

Amazon's Voice: We did it!


Hercules: So. Where do you think Zared and his men are now?

Cyane: Well, if this wind holds, they should be in Carthage... where slave-trading is illegal, I might add.

Iolaus: Hey, uh, Cyane. We're headed towards Athens. Uh, you care to join us?

Cyane: Nah, thanks, Iolaus, but we better be on our way.

Cyane: Uh, look, I just, I wanna apologize for doubting you and your friends.

Hercules: Uh, no, uh, I need to apologize to you. You know, I was, uh, I was wrong about the Amazons, and I was wrong about you, and... I hope your new homeland is everything you dream of.

Cyane: Thank you, Hercules, for helping us win our freedom back.

Iolaus: Hey, Herc. Whoa! Whoa. Sorry. Anyway, uh, Cyane... maybe when you gals, uh, you know, find your new home, you might wanna look us up.

Jason: They're Amazons, Iolaus. They don't look men up. They conquer them. Right?

Hercules: Well. I thought you liked your women sweet and gentle, Iolaus.

Iolaus: Well, you know, Cheiron said ya gotta keep your options open.

Hercules: Yeah, sounds good to me. Well, we got a new cook to find, right?

Jason: Yep.

Hercules: Yeah.

Iolaus: Hey, you don't suppose one of the Amazons might like the job.

Hercules: Somehow, Iolaus, I don't think they're the cooking kind, you know?

Iolaus: Hey, you think maybe the Amazons need a cook?

Hercules: You can't cook.

Iolaus: They don't know that.