Dad Always Liked Me Best Transcript (Dialogue Only)

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Thief's Voice: "It's your lucky day."

Old Man's Voice: "No! No!"

Thief's Voice: "Shut up, old man! Hand 'em over!"

Old Man's Voice: "Please-- not my boots!"

2nd Thief's Voice: "Yeah-- give them to me."

Thief: "Uh-uh-- dibs on the boots."

2nd Thief: "No way! You had the boots last time! You only have two feet."

Hercules: [Interrupting] "Yo-- excuse me. Excuse me. Don't you think _he_ should have the boots? Huh?"

2nd Thief: "Can he be serious? Hmm?"

Hercules's Voice: "Don't you think you should give his money pouch back, too?"

Hercules: "Y'know, I mean, uh-- I really don't wanna have to, uh-- "

Hidden Thieves: "Yahhhhh!!"

Hercules: "Well-- guess I have to."


Lucius: "Five on one-- seemed a little excessive."

Hercules: "A little."

Lucius: "Hands!"

Hercules: "What?! Hands! How's this? Oh-- Hercules."

Lucius: "Lucius-- my pleasure."

Hercules: [Sighs]: "Well-- we sure make a good team, huh?"

Lucius: "Yeah-- then again-- Zeus said you were a great fighter."

Hercules: "Wh-- whoa-- hold on a second. You know Zeus?"

Lucius: "He's my father-- and you're my brother."

Act One

Hercules: "You sure you're OK?"

Old Man: "Thanks to you two. I was comin' down the path and someone hit me from behind."

Lucius: "These forest trails aren't as safe as they look. Head's up on your way home."

Old Man: "Thank you. Thank you."

Hercules: "Take care. Hey, uh-- I'm supposed to go meet some friends, but you should definitely come along."

Lucius: "Thanks, but, uh-- I gotta keep movin'. You know? Places to go-- missions to accomplish-- ya know how it is."

Hercules: "Come on. Even a man on a mission needs to eat, right? And besides-- it's not every day that a new brother just drops into your life. Hey, listen-- tell me about Zeus-- huh?"

Lucius: "OK-- well-- he's actually a really funny guy."

Lucius: "So-- he's standing on Mt. Olympus, lookin' down on him-- and Zeus says to Ares, 'You may be the god of war-- but you're still goin' bald.'" [They laugh.]

Hercules: "Totally true."

Lilith: "Wow-- I can't believe y-you saw Zeus toss Ares off Mt. Olympus. How often do you see your dad?"

Lucius: "Ah, it depends how busy he is. Sometimes, only once a week."

Hercules: "Once a week."

Iolaus: "Hmm."

Hercules: "You hear this?"

Iolaus: "I know."

Hercules: "Once a week."

Iolaus: "I know, I'm sorry. Well-- Castor and Pollux are sons of Zeus, too, and they don't see him, either."

Lucius: "Y-- you know Castor and Pollux?"

Iolaus's Voice: "Mm-hmm."

Hercules: "Oh, yeah, we, uh-- we all met at the, um-- the Corinthian Games? Uh-- Castor's a nice guy-- huh?"

Iolaus: "Hmm-- it's hard to believe Pollux is related to him-- or anything human. Herc had to settle a, uh-- problem between Pollux and a friend of ours, Jason."

Lucius: "You're lucky to be alive-- especially after what happened to Castor."

Hercules: "What are you talkin' about?"

Lucius: "Pollux killed him."

Lilith's Voice: "What happened?"

Lucius: "Castor and Pollux were alone in a temple. There was some yelling. Pollux ran out. Castor was found lying dead on the altar."

Lilith: "Oh, I can't believe this."

Iolaus: "We just saw those guys."

Lucius: "Hey, I'm sorry. I know there's nothing I can say that can make this any better but-- rest assured-- justice will be done. Now, unfortunately-- I've gotta be on my way. Hercules. Iolaus. Lilith-- it's an absolute pleasure to meet you."

Lilith: "Oh-- what a slice." [Sighs]

Innkeeper: "Thank you. Come again."

Hercules: "So-- about your mission? To find Pollux?"

Lucius: [Whispers] "Yeah. [Normal Voice] Zeus wants me to take him back to Olympus for trial."

Hercules: "Can I come with you?"

Lucius: "Look, I appreciate the offer but _this_ is between Zeus and me."

Hercules: "Listen. I can help, all right? I-I-I know where Leda lives. It's Pollux's mother. Sh-she'll know where he's hiding. Castor was my friend, OK? Now, I need to see this through."

Lucius: "OK."

Hercules: "OK."

Hercules: "Ho-- you drove Apollo's chariot?!"

Lucius: "Just once-- man, those horses bolt. You know, I could barely hold on at the beginning, but-- once you get the feel for it-- it's the ride of your life."

Hercules: "That is amazing!"

Lucius: "Actually, that's when Zeus talked about you. He's been watching you. He likes how you handle yourself."

Hercules: "Get outta here! He talks about me?! I didn't even know he knew I was alive!"

Lucius: "Oh, he knows, Hercules. He knows."

Hercules: "Oh! Whoa! Zeus knows!"

Leda's: "Castor spoke of you often, Hercules."

Leda: "He was quite fond of you."

Hercules: "I'm sorry about Castor. Um-- we were actually wondering if you could tell us where Pollux is. It's-it's really-- very important that we talk to him."

Leda: "Pollux didn't take his brother's life."

Lucius: "Maybe they got into a fight-- "

Leda: "No, they weren't like that."

Hercules: "Well, with all due respect, they-they didn't really see eye-to-eye on a lotta things, and-- with Pollux's temper-- it's--"

Leda: "No one believed they were Zeus's sons. No one even believed they were twins. He'd fight anyone who teased Castor. Once I-- asked him why and he-- told me that-- because they were twins they were really two parts of one person, that-- the fates had joined them, like the two halves of the moon. He could never hurt his brother."

Hercules: "I'm sure-- that Zeus will be merciful."

Leda: "If he were merciful, he would give me _back_ Castor. The king of the gods didn't lift a finger to protect our son."

Lucius: "You expect Zeus to protect him from his own brother?"

Hercules: "Uh-uh-- if Pollux didn't kill Castor then-- his name will be cleared. But if he did-- he has to answer for his crime. One thing is sure-- the truth has to come out-- for all of us."

Leda: "He's in Rhamnous."

Lucius: "Rhamnous! It makes perfect sense! Pollux went there to fight. You did a great job with her back there. Uh-- and what was all that stuff about Zeus? I mean, she should just be _grateful_ she even _knows_ him!"

Hercules: "Lucius-- her son just died. She's allowed to be upset with whoever she wants."

Lucius: "Yeah, yeah-- true enough. I-- I just meant she shouldn't blame Zeus for something Pollux did."

Hercules: "Well, _if_-- he did-- right?"

Lucius: "Which is exactly what we're gonna find out from Zeus."

Lucius: "Here's where we split up. Uh-- supplies-- let's divvy up what we need, so we can be back on the road by nightfall."

Hercules: "Ah, right, 'cause, uh-- the sooner we get to Rhamnous, the sooner we get to Olympus, right?"

Lucius: "Right."

Hercules: "Right."

Lucius: "Meet you back here at sunset."

Hercules: "Hmm."

Iambe: "You're back sooner than I expected."

Lucius: "Disappointed?"

Iambe: "Is he with you?"

Lucius: "Yeah. And, no-- he doesn't suspect a thing. But you haven't answered my question. Aren't you glad to see me?"

Iambe: "Oh-h-h-h-h-- what mother doesn't love to see her son? By the way-- I love what you've done to the place."

Lucius: "When it's finished-- Zeus will have to notice me."

Iambe: "So our plan is unfolding-- "

Lucius: "Like-- a flower. Soon-- Pollux will join his beloved brother on the other side-- all thanks to Hercules."

Act Two

Hercules: "So-- we'll be in Rhamnous about midday tomorrow. Then-- we need to figure out some strategy, how we're gonna deal with Pollux."

Lucius: "Come on-- we're the dream team. Pollux won't know what hit up."

Hercules: "Excuse me?"

Lucius: "It's just a figure of speech."

Hercules: "Sorry, ha-ha. I'm just a little nervous about meeting Zeus, you know? I mean-- am I gonna measure up?"

Lucius: "Yeah-- having the king of the gods as your father isn't as fantastic as most people think. It's a lot of pressure to be the strongest-- the bravest-- smartest."

Hercules: "The best. It's funny, uh-- my friends are great and everything-- don't get me wrong-- but it's-- you really understand what it's like to be-- "

Lucius: "-- caught between Olympus and Earth?"

Hercules: "Yeah. You know, I betcha there's lots like us-- other children 'a Zeus-- ya know?"

Lucius: "You gotta be kidding. I mean, they're hardly like us, Hercules. See-- I get to ride Apollo's chariot whenever I want."

Hercules: "Well-- I thought you said you only got to ride it once."

Lucius: "Once-- I mean, a dozen times-- what, are you suddenly the official score-keeper?"

Hercules: "No. Sorry-- my mistake."

Lucius: "First thing tomorrow-- we work out a plan to deal with Pollux."

Hercules: "Ah, sure-- whatever. Good night."

Hercules: "Ah-- there it is. Whoa, whoa. There's Pollux-- I think."

Lucius: "Come on."

Pollux: "Put down your weapons. You'll find no battle here."

Hercules: "Pollux-- it is you."

Pollux: "Hercules-- it's been a while."

Lucius: "Long enough fo you to kill your brother, Castor."

Hercules: "Lucius."

Pollux: "You don't know what you're saying."

Hercules: "Then tell us what happened."

Pollux: "All right."

Lucius: "I love this, uh-- 'Soldier 'a peace' routine. No one would ever suspect you offed your brother. But I gotta say-- the robe? It's a bit much."

Pollux: "Before my brother's death, you wouldn't have lived to have finished that sentence. And nothing's greater to me than fighting for my honor."

Hercules's Voice: "What changed?"

Pollux: "I was training-- when my mother came to me to tell me of Castor's death. My brother always said that my fighting would only bring about tragedy and ruin. But I was gonna prove him wrong. But when our mother came that day-- I looked at the sword in my hand-- and I knew that _I_ had caused Castor's death."

Lucius: "Sounds like a confession to me."

Pollux: "As long as I fought-- I was part of the violence-- that ended his life. The fates-- brought us together at birth, like the halves of the moon. And now Castor's dead. His light-- is destined to shine through me."

Hercules: "You didn't do it, didja?"

Lucius's Voice: "Of course, he didn't do it."

Hercules: "Uh!"

Lucius: "Back so soon? Now, I bet you're just _dying_ to meet Zeus, huh? Well-- get in line!"

Hercules: "Pollux!"

Pollux: "Hercules!"

Lucius: "Quite a dive, huh? I say-- major points for, uh-- degree 'a difficulty. You're a disappointment, big man! Pollux, the great gladiator-- what do I find? Pollux, the peacemonger. Destroying you isn't gonna be any more difficult than destroying-- "

Hercules's Voice: "Castor?"

Lucius: "Correct. Ya finally caught on."

Hercules: "Ah, so-- how'd ya do it?"

Lucius: "It was nothin', really? He was already at the temple-- a little lost lamb, all alone without his keeper, Pollux. A-- flick of the sword-- and I was off to meet you."

Hercules: "Why didn't you just get rid of me when you first met me? Why'd you have to bring me all the way out here?!"

Lucius: "Pollux was a legend'ry fighter, remember? I thought you could have been of some use."

Hercules: "And I'm next, right? It's Castor, and then Pollux, and me, but-- here's a question for ya-- why?!"

Lucius: "You make it sound so personal. Zeus wants one of his sons to rise above the rest, and from where I'm standing-- you may be the cute one-- but I'm the one who's gonna take over Olympus."

Hercules: "You really think Zeus wants you to take us all out?!"

Lucius: "Forgetting your family history, little brother. Zeus' father eliminated his brothers and sisters. Zeus-- erased his father! To be truly great, ya can't let something as _cheap_ as sentiment get in the way!"

Hercules: "Oh, I understand. You're insane."

Lucius: "Insane? Take a look in the mirror. You've done everything I wanted you to-- as long as you thought it was for Daddy. So-- family first."

Pollux's Voice: "Please, Lucius! No!"

Hercules: "You better re-think your priorities."


Lucius: "You don't deserve to live. You were a mistake-- like all the others."

Hercules: "Lucius! No-o-o-o-o-o-!"

Pollux: [Screams]

Hercules's Voice: "You're makin' a mistake!"

Lucius: "Mistakes can be erased. What an embarrassment you must be to Zeus."

Hercules: "Oh, really? I thought Zeus liked the way I move, huh? You never rode Apollo's chariot. All these stories you made up are just lies."

Lucius: "No, no-- no. Z-- Zeus loves me. OK. It's just such a shame about our brother."

Lucius's Voice: "This isn't over!"

Pollux: "Oh, boy! And I thought I had issues with _our_ father!" [Sigh]

Hercules: "Well-- it doesn't look like Lucius is gonna be resolving his any time soon. You all right, there?"

Pollux: "Uh-huh."

Hercules: "All right."

Leda: "Pollux-- my baby. Thank the gods. I thought I'd lost you."

Pollux: "It's OK, Mother."

Leda: "Hercules-- thank you so much for watching over my son. Promise me you'll stay for supper."

Hercules: "Ah, well-- sure thing. I promise."

Pollux: "I guess, now, I'm supposed to thank you for saving my life."

Hercules: "Oh-- no, no-- don't do that. Ah-- I led Lucius right to ya."

Pollux: "No, you're being too hard on yourself. One way or another-- he would have hunted me down. Lucius is crazy."

Hercules: "You know? Even though everything he did was wrong-- I still understand him? 'Cause I think about Zeus all the time, too-- you know? About meeting him, about-- what would he say? You know? About what would I say? But-- sometimes, I think that, uh-- I'd do anything to make that moment happen."

Pollux: "You're not Lucius."

Hercules: "How can you be sure?"

Pollux: "You're a good person, Hercules. You're just still tryin' to figure out who you are. Castor was both my brother and my guide. He led me to my true self. Just as you will be led by your guides-- and your friends."

Hercules: "And my family."

Pollux: "Hmm."

Hercules: "Come here. Ah, all right. Let's get sum'in' to eat, huh? All right."