Con Ares Shooting Draft
|« Back to "1.33 - Con Ares"|
Written by: Len Uhley
Directed by: Andrew Merrifield
Shooting Draft - August 05, 1998
Pages 3, 7, 10-11, 14-16, 20-23 - August 25, 1998
Full Script - September 24, 1998
Pages 16, 19 - September 28, 1998
Pages 3-4 - September 29, 1998
Page 4 - September 30, 1998
Pages 2, 5, 15-17, 22-25 - October 1, 1998
Pacific Island Pictures, LTD, All Rights Reserved © 1998
+ Shepherd's Hut *
Country Road - Near Corinthian Border
Farm - Front Gate
Farm - Front Yard
Farm - Ox Cart
Hill Near Farm
+ Shepherd's Hut *
Roadside - Shrine To Ares
Road - Outside Farm
Road - Over Next Hill
EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - NEAR CORINTHIAN BORDER - DAY
Two HORSES trot along, pulling a CHARIOT bearing JASON, HERCULES and IOLAUS along a hilly road. The chariot flies a WHITE FLAG.
There's nothing I like more than a nice ride along a country road.
Especially when a war's brewing. Booby traps in the bushes.
Snipers behind every tree.
Would you two relax? We're under a flag of truce. We're meeting at a sacred war shrine. Nobody's going to attack us.
Jason, Thebes and Sparta are always fighting. Why get involved?
Because this time they want to fight right next to Corinth. So if Sparta and Thebes go to war, my people get hurt.
Why should they listen to you?
Hercules strikes a mocking, heroic pose. In a basso voice:
Because he is Jason, Crown Prince of Corinth, honest and true.
Iolaus also strikes a hero pose; likewise doing a baritone:
Not to mention, incredibly modest. And, ruggedly handsome!
Iolaus and Hercules LAUGH. Jason frowns and gestures for calm.
Would you mind? Someone could hear you. I have to make an impression.
Now, now, gentlemen...
The guys look up, suddenly on alert. Ahead, ARES MATERIALIZES on a branch overhanging the road. The chariot halts.
You know, I am trying hard to stir up a war between Thebes and Sparta. I can't have you butting in, promoting peace.
What are you going to do about it?
My associates will make sure peace is not given a chance. Strife? Discord?
STRIFE and DISCORD APPEAR behind the chariot. The guys react. Strife grins and waves, calling out:
Discord winds up, then slaps her hands, producing THUNDER and a FLASH. The STARTLED HORSES rear up, then whip the chariot O.S.
EXT. ROADSIDE SHRINE TO ARES - OVER THE NEXT HILL - SIMULTANEOUSLY - DAY
A small weathered SHRINE IN ARES' HONOR stands at a CROSSROADS. There's a couple of columns, a statue of Ares, some personal effects (including a GOLDEN SHIELD), and two piles of TRIBUTE (fruits, meats, treasure) resting on an alter. TWO ENVOYS wait impatiently. Each has brought an entourage of TWO SOLDIERS, bearing white flags, and each plays macho for their benefit.
Young Prince Jason had better get here soon. I only spend this much time with Thebans when I'm conquering them.
The Spartan Soldiers CHORTLE manfully.
I see that the Spartans have as little patience as they do intelligence.
The Theban Soldiers likewise CHUCKLE. The Envoys trade glares.
EXT. ROAD - MOVING WITH CHARIOT - CONTINUOUS - DAY
Jason tugs in vain on the reins. They YELL over the CLATTER.
I can't stop them!
I've got an idea. Iolaus, take the reins. Jason, you're with me.
Jason hands Iolaus the reins. Iolaus and Jason react as Herc climbs over the front of the chariot. Jason follows suit. THE CREST OF THE HILL is approaching fast. A pair of ACCESS ROADS veers off to one side. Hercules and Jason glance ahead, then smash their heels on the shaft linking the equine team and the chariot. Finally, the shaft SNAPS in two.
EXT. ROAD - OVER THE NEXT HILL - SIMULTANEOUSLY - DAY
The Envoys glare off at the sun...
We're wasting time here.
At least we agree on that. This meeting is over. I will see you again--
-- on the field of battle.
The Spartan and Theban envoys are unaware that in the B.G., the horses zoom by on one side of the shrine and the chariot veers off on the other. Hercules and Jason cling to the front of the runaway chariot. Hercules SHOUTS:
The guys leap O.S. The chariot rolls onward and crashes O.S. Debris rains down on our heroes.
EXT ROADSIDE - CONTINUOUS - DAY
Hercules and Jason lie in the dirt. Herc crawls over to his pal.
Sure. I always look good in black and blue. How about you, Iolaus?
No response. Quickly sitting up, they look off and react:
Iolaus lies nearby, head against a rock. He GROANS, dazed.
EXT. ROAD - MOMENTS LATER - DAY
Hercules and Jason have the groggy Iolaus' arms draped over their shoulders, carrying him along. Jason is anxious about Iolaus.
We have to find a place for him to rest.
Iolaus MOANS, coming to. Hercules and Jason notice:
I'll be fine, just drop me off at the next Vestal Virgin Training Camp.
Jason slaps Iolaus good-naturedly on the shoulder.
That's the old Iolaus!
Sorry. Don't worry, we're gonna get you help.
Then we'll make Discord and Strife pay for what they did!
EXT. ROAD - OUTSIDE A FARM - MOMENTS LATER - DAY
As the guys limp along a HIGH STONE WALL, they stop as they hear:
Look at that axle. That's it. I've had it, Timor. I give up!
Aww, don't give up, Uncle. We can fix it.
ON THE FAR SIDE OF THE FENCE, a FARMER scolds a field-hand, TIMOR. They stand by a small, empty hay wagon, or cart. (The following is filmed so that we do not see Timor's face.)
I'm not talkin' about the cart, Timor. I'm talkin' about you! You're hopeless. I tried to teach you to be a farmer, but you kill every crop you plant.
ON the guys. Iolaus holds his head, wincing.
I even tried to teach you to fight, but you're scared of your own shadow!
This guys sounds like a real prize.
On the far side of the fence, the Farmer mounts a horse.
There's a war brewing. I have to go into town for supplies before we get cut off. And don't touch anything while I'm gone!
EXT. FARM - CONTINUOUS - DAY
Hercules and Jason, helping Iolaus, step up behind Timor.
Hi. Our friend is hurt and we were wondering if --
Timor turns, revealing his FACE. Except for the fact that he is clean-shaven, he looks just like...
Aw, here we go again!
Hercules charges at Timor, YELLING:
Run for it, guys! I'll hold him off!
Hercules tackles Timor, knocking him back. YELPING, Timor stumbles into the wagon/cart, which COLLAPSES. Hercules leaps to his feet ready to fight. Jason and Iolaus step up beside Herd. They all frown and look at each other, then back at Timor, who lies in the dirt, whimpering as he gapes up at them in fear.
INT. FARM HOUSE - DAY
Hercules sits down at a kitchen table facing Timor, who talks like a cross between Rocky Balboa and Goofy. Hercules is tongue-tied.
Look, about what happened outside? I'm sorry, but I thought you were --
Hercules loses his train of thought and just stares incredulously.
Why're you lookin' at me like that?
It's just -- except for the fact that you're not attacking me, it's like I'm sitting here with Ares.
Timor startles and looks around, agog. Hercules gestures for calm.
You are? Where?
No. No, what I'm saying is, you look like the God of War.
Ohhhh. That means that this Ares guy also looks like the God of War!
No, Ares is the God of War. See, we have the same father, Zeus, only Ares' mother is Hera and my mom is Alcmene. Hera is a goddess, but Alcmene is --
(off his gawk)-- you following any of this?
(pats his arm)
That's okay. It's confusing for me, too.
Jason helps Iolaus hobble over to the table. They sit.
Timor, we have a proposition for you. We want to dress you up to look like Ares.
It'll be fun. We'll introduce you to a couple people, you'll boss 'em around, we'll have a few laughs. What do you say?
Well, I, uh --
Hold that thought.
Hercules hustles Jason over to the far corner, leaving Timor and Iolaus at the table. Hercules testily whispers to Jason:
What are you gonna do, use him as bait?
No, as a weapon. We make Strife and Discord think he's Ares. He keeps them busy while I put the peace talks back on track.
Get real. If Strife and Discord realize Timor is a fake, he is instant god chow.
They'll never know. We'll coach him. Herc, we've got to make this work. If we don't, thousands of lives could be lost.
They hear Timor CLEAR HIS THROAT and turn.
I-I really do wanna help you guys. But you heard what my uncle said. I mess up everything! I'd just let you down.
Iolaus limps over from the table, redirecting the conversation.
Think about the honor, Timor. Think about the reward.
I can't believe you're doing this.
You could be a hero! Girls love heroes!
Timor, you're scaring me.
Thebes and Sparta are going to war in two days, and this farm will be right in the middle of a war, unless you help us.
So -- what do you say?
Timor ponders the offer, then nods. Jason and Iolaus WHOOP. Hercules buries his face in his hands, exasperated.
INT. FARM HOUSE - (BEGIN MOS MONTAGE INTERCUT)
Jason shows how a god walks. Chin high, graceful stride, grand gestures. Timor looks more like a spastic chicken.
EXT. FARM HOUSE - FRONT YARD - (MOS MONTAGE)
Hercules demonstrates a martial arts kick. Timor nods, leaps, and goes splat, feet in the air. Hercules winces.
ANGLE - THE FENCE
Iolaus stands beside Timor, showing him how to RANT. Timor BLEATS feebly. Iolaus says "no-no," and pointing, shows him it's not from the throat, but the diaphragm. Timor tries again and doubles over, COUGHING. Iolaus throws up his hands.
INT. FARM HOUSE - (MOS MONTAGE)
Jason coaches Timor. He finally has the walk down, but when he turns, a wayward arm knocks over a stack of plates.
EXT. FARM HOUSE - FRONT YARD - (MOS MONTAGE)
Herc exhorts Timor as they joust using broomsticks. Timor backs into the busted card, startles, and accidently hits Herc's stick out of his hands. Both are surprised and pleased.
ANGLE - THE FENCE
Iolaus glowers and BARKS in Timor's face. Timor responds in kind. Iolaus backs off, impressed.
INT. FARM HOUSE - (MOS MONTAGE)
Iolaus and Herc watch Jason do Timor's make-up; he sits BACK TO CAMERA. They stand back, hands to chin. Then WE SEE Timor, with a fake beard. He's Ares' twin, save for the goofy grin. Iolaus wags a finger; Timor scowls.
EXT ROADSIDE SHRINE TO ARES - DAY
Hercules, Iolaus and Jason peek out from behind a column. They creep past the alter and its two piles of tribute. Iolaus steps forward with a modified white-flag-on-a-stick and jabs it into the ground.
We come in peace.
TWO BRASS RAMS's HORNS pop out of the columns, BLARING like a car alarm. The guys react. Then, a BLUE FIREBALL blows Iolaus O.S. Herc and Jason turn to see Strife and Discord. Discord snaps her fingers, SILENCING the HORNS. Strife blows SMOKE off his fingertips like a gunfighter.
Well, I guess that little chariot ride didn't finish you off after all.
Did you think we wouldn't catch you trying to keep the peace?
Uncle Ares would want us to hurt them. Where shall we start?
Timor-as-Ares steps into view. Strife and Discord look up, surprised. Hercules, Iolaus and Jason look worried.
EXT. ROADSIDE SHRINE TO ARES - CONTINUOUS - DAY
Hercules, Iolaus and Jason watch as Timor-as-Ares paces before them, peeling off his gloves. Iolaus mouths along with Timor's stilted, rehearsed rant until Hercules nudges him to knock it off.
How dare you desecrate this shrine? As Zeus is my witness, I vow that your punishment will be swift and severe!
The guys step forward to do their lines, acting stiffly.
Look out, Hercules.
We'll save you, old buddy.
Farcical stunt show time: Jason steps up to throw a half-speed punch at Timor-as-Ares, who catches the fist and pushes Jason back. Jason backflips away, CRYING OUT woodenly. Discord and Strife grin. Behind some bushes, Jason lands (hidden from Discord and Strife), crouches, grabs a rope placed there and waits for his cue. Reveal that the rope is tied to the base of a pedestal... out front, as Iolaus limps forward, brandishing his cane. Timor-as-Ares yanks it away and pretends to slap him around. Hercules "fearfully" covers his mouth as he provides the SOUND EFFECTS. Only Timor-as-Ares' palm never really touches Iolaus' cheek, and they have the staging wrong (e.g., Timor-as-Ares slaps the left cheek, Iolaus snaps his head as if struck from the right). Timor-as-Ares shoves Iolaus back at Hercules. They stagger. Timor-as-Ares rears back, as if to throw a lightning bold. Discord and Strife cling to each other in hopeful anticipation. Hercules and Iolaus leap out of harm's way. Behind the bushes, Jason throws a handful of flour over the top of the bushes and gives the rope a YANK. OUT FRONT, the pedestal whips OUT OF VIEW through the bushes, but seems to "disintegrate" in a puff of "smoke." Herc and Iolaus, lying down. MOAN melodramatically. With a triumphant air, Timor-as-Ares turns to Discord and Strife:
Now. Where was I?
Strife smirks and asides to Discord, anticipating.
Oh, boy, are they in for it now!
Timor-as-Ares FWAPS Strife on the shoulder with his gloves.
What do you mean, 'they?' That was a warm-up. You're the ones who are 'in for it.'
You disgrace me by the way you treat my beloved half-brother Hercules.
Timor-as-Ares pats Hercules on the shoulder, who is surprised at his protégé’s performance. Timor-as-Ares pins back around to face Strife and Discord, overshoots the mark, then settles into position to GROWL:
You have been insolent, and disobedient, and, and very, uh, naughty!
Discord reacts to the non-Ares term and frowns at him.
Herc, Iolaus and Jason tense up, thinking their cover is blown. Timor-as-Ares recovers quickly -- he swats Strife.
She said it!
Timor-as-Ares gives him another smack. Discord does the same, bopping him from the other side in order to gain favor with Ares.
Would you not help!
Now you'll both be punished!
Timor-as-Ares overdoes his villain routine in the B.G., grabbing Discord and Strife by their collars. As they WHINE and plead...
Oo, with the hurting?/Ares, be reasonable./Unc, you're creasing the leather!/Can't we talk this over?
Jason steps over to Herc and Iolaus in F.G.; they all WHISPER:
Looks like they fell for it.
You and Timor keep them busy till tomorrow, while I go stop the war.
INT. BARN - DAY (BEGIN MOS MONTAGE INTERCUT)
A shovel digs into a pile of horse dung. Strife hefts the load into a hand-cart. Discord gingerly tip-toes by behind him, wipes her hands on the back of his shirt, then moves on. Strife stops, realizes what she's done and reacts, revolted.
EXT. FARM - FRONT YARD - (MOS MONTAGE)
Discord and Strife split logs on adjacent tree stumps. Strife wings an ax, but off-balance, he goes flying O.S. Discord looks both ways, then uses a MAGIC BOLT to do the job.
INT. FARM HOUSE - (MOS MONTAGE)
Hercules and Iolaus sit at the table. Timor-as-Ares SNAPS his fingers. Strife and Discord, wearing aprons, hurry over, plates and drinks in hand.
EXT HILL NEAR FARM - DAY
Strife and Discord carry heavy double-buckets on poles, each full of water from a pond.
What is going on here? All of a sudden, Ares loves Hercules, Ares hates us --
It has to be some kind of a trick. Maybe Ares wants something from Zeus and is trying to get on his good side.
Well whatever it is, we better find out soon. 'Cuz I don't think I can take much more of this!
Hercules and Iolaus huddle behind Timor-as-Ares' back and WHISPER.
We're really pushing our luck here.
Hey, the plan's working. Check it out.
Iolaus taps Timor-as-Ares on the shoulder. They exchange nods. Iolaus follows him over to Strife and Discord, who struggle to set their buckets down amid a bunch of dead plants.
All right, when you are through watering the garden, I want you to -- ummm --
Plow the south field --
(Iolaus cues him)
Slop the hogs --
(Iolaus adds idea)And dig a new well.
Strife chucks down his bucket and stands. Discord looks alarmed.
That's it! I can't take it! I quit!
Pipe down! You're gonna make him angry!
Strife staggers in circles, WAILING, at the end of his rope.
Fine. Blast me, broil me, fry me, I don't care. Waahhhahahah!
Strife pauses, expecting to be nuked. The guys sweat. Discord puzzles at the flummoxed Timor-as-Ares. Then Hercules gets an idea and WHISPERS in Timor-as-Ares' ear. Taking the cue:
Then you will both face my wrath.
No. No, wait! Let's not be hasty!
As a preemptive measure, Discord BLASTS Strife O.S. Discord GIGGLES nervously, backing away from Timor-as-Ares as she CHIRPS:
See? Problem solved. Everybody's happy.
But a stunned Strife collapses against a board which has a bucket of water on the other end. The bucket flips up and O.S. Timor-as-Ares is splashed by a face full of water. Discord turns back, sees this and, much alarmed, hurries over to frantically dab his face with her apron.
Ohhh, sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry --
Her efforts cause Timor-as-Ares' sodden beard to come unglued and peel away from his face. Discord leaps back.
Strife sits in the mud with a bucked on his head.
Iolaus tries to jam the beard back on Timor; it hangs, askew.
Don't worry, he's fine. Just fine.
Ummmm, that's right, I'm --
Strife stands up next to Discord. They finally catch on.
Hercules gestures at his friends to back off. Evenly:
Iolaus and Timor tear off. Strife and Discord take aim. With a Bruce Lee wind-up CRY, Hercules jumps in front and strikes a fighting pose to distract them. Strife and Discord trade smirks, reposition and then shoot TWIN BLASTS at Hercules, blowing him off his feet, high in the air. Iolaus speed-limps along, then trips, CRIES OUT, and drops into a ditch, where he lies, gripping his leg. Then, like an incoming mortar round, Hercules drops out of the sky and crash-lands next to him with a descending yell and an impact GRUNT.
EXT. FARM HOUSE - DAY
INT. FARM HOUSE - MEANWHILE - LATE DAY
Ares MATERIALIZES in the middle of the room and mutters:
Strife! Discord! Jason is back at the peace talks! Where are you?!
Livid, Ares picks up a table and rears back to heave it.
EXT. FARM HOUSE - CONTINUOUS - LATE DAY
The Farmer rises up and hears the table CRASH against a wall.
Aw, that clumsy -- there he goes again!
INT. FARM HOUSE - CONTINUOUS - LATE DAY
Ares kicks in a storage trunk and lifts a stool to heave it when the Farmer comes up from behind and grabs it away. Ares turns.
Right. That's enough of that!
I beg your pardon?
Oh, you'll be beggin' for more'n my pardon before I'm through with you, mister. Who do you think you are?
I am Ares, the God of War.
Haw! You're a loon, is what you are.
Ares seethes; his eyes glow; his fists CRACKLE with ENERGY. Just then, a door SLAMS open O.S. Ares and the Farmer turn to see Timor facing them, still in costume, but using his own voice.
No! Y-you leave him alone!
Ares blinks as Timor crosses over to them. The Farmer looks from one to the other, then faints with a THUD. Ares is mystified.
Is this some sort of bad joke?
You're the joke, Ares.
Not quite as handsome, but still --
Ares is taken aback at Timor's forcefulness. Unnoticed, Hercules crawls in through an open window, reacts to Timor's bravery, then spies the stool the Farmer dropped in his faint.
You call yourself a god? Well you're not the kind of god I'd ever want to worship.
Timor goes nose to nose with Ares, virtually mirror images.
You make people suffer. You demand respect, but you do nothing to earn it. You're nothing but a bully.
How dare you speak to me this way! You have no idea of the power I possess.
You can't do anything worse to me than I've already done to myself.
Ares steps back, seething. He does not notice as Hercules steps into view behind him, gripping the stool with both hands.
Timor -- move!
Timor leaps out of the way. Hercules uses all his strength to ram Ares with the stool. Ares goes flying out the back door...
EXT FARM HOUSE - CONTINUOUS - DAY
...where he lands in the dirt, woozy, as Strife and Discord arrive. Strife yanks him up by the hair.
Lumbering oaf! You cannot escape the wrath of Strife!
Unnnh? You do not want to be doing this, Strife!
I've been wanting to do this for a long time!
Strife and Discord drag Ares off by the seat of his pants. Hercules and Timor peek out the door. Coming to a well, Strife and Discord dump Ares in, head-first.
Not so bold when the tables are turned, are you, 'Ares?'
Beat. SPLASH! Strife and Discord exchange a satisfied Laurel & Hardy nod, turn and take a step, then goggle as the EARTH RUMBLES.
THE WELL VENTS STEAM like a missile silo. Ares rockets upwards, lands behind Strife and Discord.
Oh. Heheh. Hiya, Unc.
You're ... the real Ares, aren't you?
With a mighty Ares YELL, Ares grabs them and the GODS DISAPPEAR. Hercules and Timor step out.
Timor, that was pretty brave, standing up to Ares like that.
You mean I did okay?
If I really were your brother, I'd be proud.
Hercules grins warmly. Iolaus hobbles over.
Where're Strife and Discord?
Ares took 'em home to Olympus for a chat.
Well that oughta keep 'em occupied long enough for Jason to wrap up his peace talks.
Hercules glances off at the well, which gives him an idea.
Maybe we can help there, too. You game?
EXT. COMMANDEERED SHEPHERD'S HUT - LATE DAY
ESTABLISHING a TORCH-LIT encampment. The same Soldiers seen earlier stand guard at the hut door, white flags flying. An angry SHEPHERD, his WIFE, and SON, wait outside. (With a sheep?)
INT. COMMANDEERED SHEPHERD'S HUT - CONTINUOUS - LATE DAY
Jason points to a MAP on a table. A SCROLL awaits signature.
See? Thebes here, Sparta here, and the valley between gives you a nice buffer.
If you had shown us this when you'd promised, it might've worked. But now--
It's too late. We cannot stop the war.
EXT. REAR OF COMMANDEERED SHEPHERD'S HUT - CONTINUOUS - LATE DAY
Iolaus lays a WOODEN BOARD on a BARREL, making kind of a see-saw. Timor-as-Ares steps on the end nearest to the hut.
Let 'er rip.
Hercules stands on the repaired hay wagon, parked facing the hit. He jumps on the far end of the board, launching Timor-as-Ares up.
INT. COMMANDEERED SHEPHERD'S HUT - CONTINUOUS - LATE DAY
The roof tears as Timor-as-Ares drops in and lands in their midst. (ALTERNATE: comes in a window?)
What's the meaning of this? Who are you?
I am Ares, the God of War, and you are unfit to lick the soles of my sandals.
Jason is ready to fight -- then sees Hercules and Iolaus peek in the hit through a window. He nods, then turns to the Envoys.
No. He's Ares, all right.
Both men drop to their knees, pleading:
Great Ares! My prayers have been answered! You have come to destroy Thebes for the greater glory of Sparta!
No! You are here to watch over Thebes as we annihilate the unworthy Spartans!
Timor-as-Ares grabs the Envoys by their tunics and backs them up against the table:
Quiet, both of you! I'm the one who decides who has a war, and when. This little squabble of yours is totally unauthorized. Stop it now. Do you understand?
They frantically sign the treaty. Timor-as-Ares winks at Jason.
EXT. FARM - FRONT GATE - NEXT DAY
The three amigos stand with Timor, now wearing his peasant garb. Timor's uncle waits in the b.g.
Well I better go talk to my uncle. Hope he isn't mad.
Just remind him that you saved his farm -- and a lot of lives.
Gee. Maybe I'll even ask for a raise.
Timor and the guys exchange back slaps. With a wave, Timor marches off toward his uncle and the farm house. Once he's out of earshot, Iolaus turns to the others, rubbing his hands:
Okay, what's next?
What do you mean?
The identical twin thing. It worked great. So, let's do it again! Only this time, we dress up somebody to look like Hera --
Hercules and Jason share a look of exasperation, they head off down the road. Iolaus limps after them.
Okay-okay, not Hera, Zeus. We build a catapult. Put him in a chariot, shoot him off, bam, he lands in the center of town. Everybody's excited, tribute pours in, we clean up. Whaddya say? Guys...? Guys?